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That feeling of being so close to what youve always wanted. I’m not sure what I’m doing. All college kids say that but to me now that I’m here it’s so scary. I’m so lonely and most of the time it’s not in a bad way. I don’t care about being alone. It’s comforting knowing I can do things by myself without depending on someone else but I guess a part of me still wants the happiness of being with someone.
I know I’ll probably never be able to find the perfect person. I don’t believe it. Someone that makes me happy. Not just obsessed. Someone I love. The love is mutual. The happiness is mutual and we work though things. I don’t get that deafening feeling of unease. Like I’m a bad person for losing feelings. Or for feeling feelings. I’ve learned that I have unrealistic standards and I guess I’ve come to terms with this person in my head that I desperately want to me real will only ever exist in fiction.
In a way I’m ok with that. Though I feel bad Im bit able to open up. I’m scared of being known. For being understood. When I am I push back. I lie to throw people off so I’m less understood because I just can’t handle being known. Being perceived. It’s horrible. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I’m ok being perceived by.
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PIP
no the loneliness is a common experience in students, i go through periods where its worse than other times, but i think its due to your subconcious wanting to be at a place that youre not at, but the thing is you have to logically think to yourself and be realistic about things even if it hurts. i believe theres people for everyone, theres so many people out there, it probably might help just reading peoples experiences that feel like this too yk? theres a saying, "imagine your dream person, okay now be them" and i think this might apply to you, there might be some things you can do for yourself that youre loathing in another person. i think that you will form connections in time, ease yourself into it, lurk blogs, watch youtube for other peoples experiences, join discord communities, amino communities, get involved in stuff you love and that you're curious about. hope this helps. :)