On being the a-hole

It only took 29 years but I can finally full-well admit that I, on occasion, am the asshole.

The only asshole, even.

And I am the one that has to apologize - not because it makes me "win" or "better" but because I genuinely need to, because I have been terrible.

That sucks, and even typing this to nobody I find myself getting defenses at the ready - but it is something that has helped me really feel like a whole person, strangely enough. Not to say I am embracing being an asshole, I straight up hate it, but instead of feeling like I "need to be the bigger person" it is somehow more empowering to say "I was a shitty person, I need to apologize, and I recognize that it may not be received with rainbows, but I am growing."

I went through a bout of really terrible behavior, I knew it was awful, and nobody involved would argue against that. However, instead of being an adult about it I chose to hide from it, hide from myself, and accept any karmic punishment that came my way. For years. A lot of that was borne in assumption and eventually all of my terrible thoughts about myself just became self-fulfilling prophecies. Funny how that works.

It took me 4 years to realize that I projected a lot of the fallout from that behavior - insecurities, guilt, self-doubt, and so on - on to a person that, unfortunately, was an easy target. I had betrayed several people and hurt a few more, yet I found that I could cling to support when talking negatively about this new person and the environment I chose to be in.

How unfair.

The "ways-of-being" (can you tell I'm in school for a counseling degree?) that I accused this person of, I recognized, were embodied within myself. I was angry, ashamed, guilty, hurting - but that's a lot easier to deal with when you throw it all on someone else. I thought "well, so-and-so agrees with me so I must be right - I'm not the problem" without also recognizing that "well, so-and-so only has the portrait that I've painted of this person so why would they defend the unknown?"

For that, and for a lot of things, I am sorry (and yes, I have actually apologized personally to the real people involved).

Sometimes I have to apologize. Sometimes I have to stop myself mid-sentence and check myself. Am I reacting out of fear? Jealousy? Hatred? Passion? Is what I am saying right now warranted and, more importantly, does it match what was received from the other person?

I say jokingly (okay not that jokingly) all the time that "I need an adult" for supervision (and also to magically make groceries and essentials appear and stay stocked - nobody tells you this falls on to you when you move out of your parents' house, terrible). I guess, realistically, I need to be my own adult - or at least, I need to be honest with myself - especially when that honesty leads me to admitting wrongdoing and strengthening my experience and my relationships.

Published by Jessica

On being the a-hole

Comments