Where I’m at

Might be a long one 

Me and my mum fought on holiday cuz she was being a dickhead to our waiter because she couldn’t go a day without getting drunk. This lead to her screaming in the middle of the street how she hates her husband and children and keeping in mind we where going to the beach so I was in my bikini and I’ve had an extensive history of self harm (though I’ve been clean for a few years yay me) but I’ve only recently been able to be comfortable in swimwear and she points at my legs and says how none of her children are okay and blames my dad? That one hurt but this carried on for days she kept getting drunk and having a go at me not my brother. It’s sorta always been apparent she has a favourite but it’s never really caught up with me because she does shit with me too but things cooled down and I was ready to just forget because this happens to often to take it to heart.

Day we leave we get Burger King and me and my brother are play fighting very fucking obviously we weren’t hurting each other but he gets mad he’s loosing because of my massive muscles and fighting skills and goes full force punched me in the face (my nose bruised up pretty bad it looked like I drew a cat nose on but it was cute ig) and I laugh it off cuz I didn’t wanna make a big deal in the moment but that hurt like a bitch so I slap his face away from me I swear it wasn’t that hard tho ik I shouldn’t have done it and my mum pulls him away from me while my dad is mad at both of us (fair tbh) brother accused him of taking my side so my mum feels the need to back him up and say it was clearly my fault and I always do this and so on and so fourth and dude it’s been a long week I just look at her for a moment and tell her I hate her. Sounds cringe but I felt like I had to be the one who was taking this shit all week at one point she even blamed me for her being depressed and ordered literally ordered me to run errands for her expecting me to actually do it lmao I felt like there was nothing else to say I felt so heartbroken at her actions but she didn’t take it well.

It’s been about a month and I haven’t seen or heard from her really. It’s upsetting she’s going away on my results day like this isn’t really fucking important to me and I’m not seeing us talking by my birthday either (17 inches soon, I mean years) Last year was kinda balls imagine queen liz dying on your birthday and then being haunted by a doll. Don’t have to it happened. Side note shit went down with my mates because none of them made an effort to talk to or meet up with me for two months and ditched every plan I made so I’ve been really depressed it being August doesn’t help I get bored easily and that’s well enough reason to kill myself apparently. Something that made me feel happy tho cuz life has ups, I told my dad that my mates ditched me and we where going to get piercings together and the only reason I held off a month to get the one I want is cuz one of my friends really wanted to go with me. So I’m getting it anyway right but my dad said they’re all cunts and hugged me and said he’d take me and that made me happy. Also last year on the bday not only was attention on the queen dying (rest in peace idk the woman personally tho so it’s hard to feel bad when she stole my spotlight) my older brother was also visiting so everyone was talking to him and I barely got a word in seems like a stupid thing to be sad about but I haven’t had friends for years so my only birthday celebration is with my family and no one even asked me about my day but my dad saw that I was sad and slipped me like 100 quid without my mum knowing I think that’s how he shows love with money idk really then he took me to thorp or whatever park the next day and we made fun of my older brother for cutting his chin while shaving and it was the thing that saved my bday. I love my dad lots and I’m glad my mum and me arguing has made us closer but it hurts more knowing I think this might have been the final nail in the coffin to our relationship and it also doesn’t. I remember this one time my mum dropped me off to get chips and drove to find a parking place and I have bad anxiety in social situations so I couldn’t bring myself to even go inside and I ended up looking for her car but I don’t find it and I start running down every street literally crying and shaking cuz idk where she is I have no phone and there’s people around me and it’s dark sounds stupid but my last therapist said it’s cuz I’m autistic therefore whatever I say goes 🙏  but my mum yells at me so hard that day and says she wished I wasn’t like this and I do nothing to better myself I live to make her life harder idc really if she’d said it any other time but it sucks when it’s also something I dislike about myself and have tried so hard to get better at. That was deep and irrelevant soz 

Anyway point is I’m sad and dramatic but people love me anyway so imagine how many people would love you if you were just sad or just dramatic, probs a lot, probs not me tho. 

Have a good day, good luck with results!