Im an alcoholic

Last night I made a poor decision to swallow the rest of my anti psychotic. I really thought it was going to work. I felt at peace listening to music laying in the tub with a stomach full of pills. But then my body started to reject iI. And my world came crashing down upon me again. 

I will say first off. I'm sorry. I feel so guilty for putting the people I love through something traumatic. Secondly. I'm glad I didn't actually die. Although I know some part of me would be okay if I did. It wouldn't be good for anyone. 

I'm not quite sure how to feel. I just feel like a mess. But I know I'll be okay. If anything thisbhas given me more motivation to try harder. I feel guilty for always being an emotional mess. I feel guilty for my actions. It makes me feel like everyone would be better off without me. I feel like a burden. 

I'm glad the hospital wasn't involved. That would have made everything worse. I ditched therapy today because I was sick all day and still tasted the medicine. I spent all day sick and tormented from my stupid decisions. Play dumb games win dumb prizes. I'm glad ig I'm smart enough to be able to handle it myself. I'm lucky I didn't need extra care. I am worried about what this will do to me in the long run. And will eventually tell my therapist but not in the time frame for her to put me in the hospital. I'm mad scared of the hospital here. I know it won't help. And I'm better off handling the situation myself. 

I don't ever want to feel this again. And I know I will get better. I just have to try a little harder. And start looking at the positive.