Social recluse / hikkikomori

Note: I used the term hikkikomori in the title for better understanding since Japanese terms tend to get so popular and understandable.

I've realised I'm a social recluse. I barely talk nor make friends. I stay in my bedroom all day because it's my safe space. If I were to talk or be in social event, I'd be anxious or have a panic attack. I fear what ppl may think abt me. I fear I might do something stupid and embarass myself, which is why I refuse to go out usually.

Even if I did make friends, they don't last long and they usually end badly. As u may know, I have an abandonment issue, so any implications of abandonment can lead to an assumption, which ironically, leads to an actual abandonment. Whenever we "fall apart", I tend to feel violent so I distance myself even more. I always end up snapping anyway; usually by threatening.

My break up with my last fp was how I found all this out, which is why I'm currently under psychiatric evaluation. But I'm also not good at talking abt my feelings, I'm just not good at talking in general. I'm rlly quiet which is kinda good cuz ppl can leave me alone.

Lately, i feel like everyone's tired of me and they hate me. idk how but its just their body movements n tone of speech. This worries me more. I think im losing friends. Last week, this got so bad i was close to dropping out of school (school is the main factor in this) but i kept on going cus ik im gonna get a psychiatrist soon, but idk how long ill wait. 

My bedroom is the only place i feel safe, i have a lot of things i can do here. Finally able to be alone is one of them.