him

i fucking miss him so much. its so fucking stupid but i loved him so much and i still love him even if he's moved on, and even if the only thing he's brought me lately are tears. i miss his soft laughing, his weirdly cute humming, his eyes and his smile :( i miss every aspect of that boy so much he was MY pretty boy and now he's someone else's :( i want to be happy for him, i wanna move on too but i can't.. some stupid part of me still clings onto him and hopes he still loves me even just a bit. my heart? probably. my brain knows this is destroying me and im literally getting physically sick from how much i hate him and love him. i hate that i still love him even if he doesn't love me, i hate that i miss him so bad and stay up every night hoping to catch him even for just a bit so we can talk.. i hate hoping to arrive home and see a late night text from him or anything.. i want to go back and never have been so impatient.. so harsh, so rash, and never have left him in a fit of frustration :( i wish i could redo everything. i wish i could be what he needed, what he really wanted. i was never his type and yet he still dated me and called me his dream girl.. he called me perfect. called me beautiful. hot. cute. pretty. was it all a fucking lie? even if it was, i don't care because it's him. the sweetest ever. the first person who didn't hurt me on purpose.. the first person to really make me feel loved and wanted and it felt REAL. fuck him i love him too much. fuck his stupidly loveable face and body and personality and EVERYTHING FUCK HIMMMMM.