8/15/23

been very into that biohacker vampire guy who takes testosterone and estrogen at the same time as of late, i made fun of him at first but i feel a kinship with him. every day i'm reminded at least once of the burning hatred everyone has for anyone who is even remotely like me and i'm all of the things they hate condensed into one thing. i think to myself "i need to do this and that and get my shit together and learn how to be a normal person or no one will ever love me", but i don't know what's worse - dying alone or growing old together with someone who never knew the real you. i definitely fall into "freaky sexual experiment" territory right now, i can find someone to fuck me but no one wants to date me. i'm really scared of getting old (much like our vampiric friend) because i think you can only get away with being zany when you compensate for your weirdness somehow by being young or hot or tall or fit or all four. 

i'm jealous of my gay (formerly bisexual) friend because he is a manwhore. i can see the way that sex addiction has rotted his soul from the inside out and i do care but i don't care because i understand why he does it on a deep level. i organize my sexual conquests mentally like trophies. but i see it from a different perspective, a more morrissey-like one - i could fuck any man in the world i wanted (most will vehemently deny this and go "what the fuck is that undiscovered species of deep-sea creature?" if you showed them a picture of me, but every man on earth would probably fuck a literal pile of shit if they were horny and lonely and you left them in a room alone with it too long, especially if they knew that nobody would find out), i just choose not to because it doesn't boost my ego. but if you get a woman to fall in love with you, you must have done something really exceptional, because women always have suitors. one of my wildest sexual theories is that nobody actually has a "type." every woman wants brad pitt, every man wants megan fox, and you either take what you can get or you get lucky if you can afford to have high standards.

i exist on the same vibrational wavelength as this dude and when i see the most liberal girl you know say that he looks disgusting because of his androgyny i'm reminded that their acceptance of gender non-conformity begins and ends at a pixie cut. baby i am a freak on a molecular level, you could dress me up like barbie or john wayne or bowie and i'd still be the same person. i look at some of these people and i can tell that their clothes are wearing them rather than the other way around. it's very obvious that they cling so hard to labels because they feel inadequate (hint: if you feel the need to constantly seek outside validation for your identity, it's because you probably aren't valid). i am a contrarian above all else and if the hivemind comes after someone i have this instinctive urge to defend them the way that even girls who don't want kids are weirdly defensive of these slimy little test tube golems we call babies (apologizing in advance to the baby community and the women community). 

you'll come crawling back to me when you feel lonely - use me when there's no holes left in the wall for you to fuck - i know you will