Generally ranting about stuff/life update idk

This post is LOOOOOOOOOOOONG basically writing out a shit ton of my thoughts like a diary.

It's been a minute I had to recover from my trip to NY lol. It was a lot of fun but it was also EXHUASTING so I didn't really feel like writing anything or talking to most people or being outside my room. We got to see a bunch of really cool immersive art experiences (Museum of Sex, Wonderland Dreams, Color Factory) and it was absolutely awesome. Unfortunately we found out that the escape room thing we wanted to do fills all the slots regardless of how many people you bring with you and we were not into sharing an escape room with strangers so we didn't go but that opened up an opportunity for Wonderland Dreams and I'm really glad it did cuz it was way cooler than I'd imagined anyway. 

f a m i l y. There was a lot of family reunioning which was mostly what was exhausting. I don't like hate my mom's side of the family or anything it's mostly just the social expectations placed on familial relationships, like how it's expected that you enjoy hugging your family and considered super rude and disrespectful to say you don't want a hug for some reason even if you just don't like hugs from most people or from anyone. Stuff like that makes it pretty tiring because family reunions are just super demanding when it comes to having to mask. I'm still working on being able to comfortably unmask myself in most social situations but family ones are somewhat different and it feels like I just gotta deal with it (kinda like employment situations). Plus nearly none of my family are like me so figuring out how to act and what to talk about is a little awkward. I don't really know how to mirror with older generations like I can with peers and mirroring is like one of my #1 masking behaviors so it throws me off when it's not easy. 

Family was also one of the cooler parts of this trip though for a similar reason. Somewhere around like 6 months ago one of my cousins reached out to my mom for my phone number and then we started talking on discord. We'd met each other in person like once before but it was a LOOOONG time ago. I only vaguely remember it because I was pretty young and he's like 6 years younger than me so he was definitely too young to remember. We also both have pretty bad memory due to ~trauma~ and barely talked to each other during that visit so when they reached out it was basically like meeting for the first time. Xe wanted to reach out to me to ask me questions about my life experience because xe was questioning having the same kind of life experience in multiple different ways. At first it was mostly about being autistic and having ADHD but then they also opened up to me and asked me about being trans and about childhood trauma and mental health issues. They deal with a lot of imposter syndrome which is probably why they ask me about this stuff so much because they want my opinion on whether their suspicions are valid or if they're "overdramatic/sensitive." I totally get that because I've also dealt with a lot of imposter syndrome myself about all of those topics. Xe also liked to talk about it with me since xer family is not super tolerant and xyr afraid to confide in most people around them because of the chance it might get told to said family. I live all the way across the country, have 0 contact with the family and I'm very tolerant so it's 100% safe to talk about it with me. 

Over the time we'd talk about this stuff we also discovered that we like a lot of the same things, particularly when it comes to gaming. I'm really sad he only has an Xbox cuz he can't even play a lot of the games he wants to since his mom is so strict and he's 12 so he doesn't have money. He likes story heavy games, especially psych horror, which made me absolutely FREAK OUT because I LOVE all the games he said he's interested in and I immediately had so many recommendations for him. I thought the family had a pc so I wanted to setup Steam family library and I was devastated that I couldn't do that. They reaaaallllyyy want to play Omori because that's their hyperfixation rn and I own Omori so I really wanted to be able to do that. They let me look in their sketchbook and it's all Omori and it was literally SO GOOD like his art is so beautiful. And he hasn't watched any playthroughs cuz he wants actually play himself but he already has headcanons and they're so accurate and the way he portrays the characters in his art is so accurate! I can tell they really like it I wish I could get it for them. 

I was a little nervous at first that when we met in person it'd be super awkward but we clicked instantly and it was so refreshing after how awkward connecting with all my other family had been. It's been a really long time since I've felt so comfortable socializing with anyone in person (other than my immediate family that I live with). It was also nice because we'd both talked about all the stuff we found awkward and unnecessary about social cues and expectations so it was the first in person interaction I'd had where I knew I didn't have to do that and I knew I wasn't being judged for not doing it. I think it was the first time (in my memory) that I really wasn't masking and that I didn't have to try really really hard to stop masking, it just stopped naturally. It was so awesome. They told me they also felt refreshed being in an interaction where they didn't have to force certain things. I also met more of my cousins that I'd never met before (his siblings) one of them was pretty young and I didn't speak to a lot cuz he was bouncing around between everyone. The other one seemed to be the oldest of the 3 I think (they all look older than they are) but was still younger than me. All these kids acted very ND and I obviously can't diagnose them from knowing them for like 12 hours but like the genes were strong bro. I know one of them very well and we've actually discussed being ND in depth so I can say with certainty he's like me and is autistic + ADHD. The other two I can definitely say have at least one if not both I just can't be specific. The oldest cousin also seemed much more comfortable sticking with us cuz our conversation was unmasked and not judgy. I found out that she's also closeted trans. When I introduced myself to everyone I did so with my pronouns because I don't "pass" (since passing doesn't exist for me lol) and when I did I noticed she gave me a look. I couldn't tell at first if the look was judging or not until she whispered to me that she was transfem and closeted and I figured she probably had a look because she recognized another safe person in the family. As far as I know the two of them are only out to each other and now me. At least kinda. The one I've talked to for a while told me he tried to come out as nonbinary to his family at one point with they/them pronouns and it wasn't received well. I'm not entirely sure what xe labels xyr gender as now cuz I think he's still questioning and it's complicated (real) but he said he's afraid his mom would take it even worse if he tried to come out again. I think he's probably leaning towards nonbinary trans boy and his mom totally wouldn't understand seeing as I've seen other trans people not understand and attack people for calling themselves that. I think it totally makes sense but I think the confusion comes from people not knowing what nonbinary actually means. I also think even if it didn't make sense it doesn't matter. 

I've been trying to help them out the best that I can. I brought a measuring tape with me from home (why doesn't their mom own a measuring tape) and I got his measurements so I can hopefully get him a binder. I've been the voice of reason on some of his ideas of leaving. I don't wanna be solely the bringer of bad news or anything but I didn't wanna lie either so when he asked me how likely it is he could move out immediately after turning 18 I tried to give him some ideas of how that could be possible while also explaining it's very difficult and wouldn't be fun. Now that I know his sibling is also trans I got her discord as well and asked them how I should refer to them in private vs in public. I somehow always get roped into the mentor or caregiver role despite not knowing what I'm doing lmao it feels like back when I got roped into being the president of my schools GSA which I did not ask for. I do care though so I'm cool with it. 

I also had quite the therapy session while we were there but idek what to think about it let alone write about it so I think I'm gonna leave that alone until my therapist and I work on it more. It was very weird to talk about something so emotional and then jump back into vacation lol. I think I'm really making good progress though.