Sick of Everything

Everything is one after the other, and just when you think you have it bad, it just gets worse. 

If I’m being honest, this is the lowest my life has been, both inside and out. At least when I was 14 and depressed, it was fully internal, but now there are bad things coming at me from everywhere. The world gave me a reason to feel this way, even though I wasn’t asking for it. Now I don’t know how to cope. 

I wish I never ran away from home. I wish I could’ve stayed stuck in my room, wasting away before I faded into nothing. Instead, I got my freedom at a great cost. I am being constantly pushed to my limit and I am expected to keep getting up and being good after it. I can’t be, though. I’m so, so tired and I want to rest forever. I wish I never grew up. 

Everyone is so temporary. The people I thought would have my back turn out to be the casualties of this war. The people I know would stick with me are leaving once the year is over. I feel like I am being blindfolded and abandoned in a dark forest to fend for myself, and all I can hear are the fading footsteps of my friends walking away unscathed. It’s scary here, alone, and I want to shut my eyes and wake up seven years old and untouched by the shitshow that is adulthood, but there isn’t space at the bottom of my closet to crawl into when I want to feel that false safety from when I was young.

Sometimes I think to myself “this is it now, for real this time” but then I think about my parents, my siblings, or my newfound family, and I start to cry. I could never do that to them. I couldn’t handle knowing the pain they would be going through. I suppose when I said I wanted to shoulder everyone’s sadness to keep them happy, the universe answered. I don’t know what sick and twisted deal this is, but I’m stuck with it.

So much pressure from the world is bound to make someone crack. I’m sick of people expecting me to be the big person or to always be aware of how good I need to be. My life has gone to shit so fast in so little time, and I don’t want to have to keep a smile on my face. I want to scream and scream and scream, then I want to scream some more. Yeah, I’m exhausted, but I’m also so very angry. Forgive me or don’t, I just want to have the reaction that I have.