Deeply hurt, disconnected, and cursed.

     The weight of persistent hurt and disconnection has shadowed my life for years, leaving me to ponder whether I am somehow cursed to traverse a landscape of challenging relationships. With each new encounter, the weight of my suffering seems to deepen, pushing me to reluctantly label these individuals as “people,” despite their glaring flaws and sometimes unwittingly harmful behavior but that is exactly what makes them human sadly. It's disheartening how many seem averse to acknowledging their own imperfections, particularly when these aspects of their nature are pointed out to them with proof. In my interactions with others, both romantically and in friendships, I've always strived to embody honor, trustworthiness, and genuine care and love. It bewilders me that despite my intentions, I often find myself on the receiving end of deception, pain, and betrayal.
     The old adage rings true: “Nice guys and girls finish last.” What baffles me most is the widespread acceptance these individuals find, despite their deceitful and malicious tendencies. It's heart-wrenching that their true nature, marred by lies and hurtful actions, remains hidden, causing immeasurable pain to those who mistakenly perceive them as good-hearted. I don't intend to cast myself as superior, for I'm not. I possess my own flaws, as does everyone. However, I've never engaged in the levels of deception, manipulation, or betrayal I've encountered. Ironically, my endeavors to foster true love and genuine friendships seem to perpetuate a cycle of hurt and disconnect. While I continuously put in efforts to understand, support, and uplift those around me, the individuals I attract often display the opposite qualities. This mismatch leaves me with enduring emotional scars that I can't seem to shake off. I don't even write anything I say about my experiences with people in a way that is me attacking them or getting back at them or exposing, it's more of a lack of me understanding how they could be this way and be okay with themselves or not see anything wrong with the way they are.
     Writing has become my refuge, my solace amid this chaos. It allows me to process the turmoil within, offering a semblance of control and release. This catharsis has provided some relief, albeit temporary, from the emotional turmoil. The question lingers: Do those responsible for my emotional turmoil even comprehend the extent of their impact? It's doubtful; their indifference seems evident. I almost don't believe in love anymore, and even friends maybe. I'm trying to progress in my life, sending out job applications and working out to become a better me even though I'm already physically fit, but I can't help but find myself constantly distracted by remembering every interaction I've had with other humans. My heart is so fucked up inside because of so many bad experiences, it must be a curse? Never having done this to others yet suffering it time and again myself. Even sadder is how hard it is for me to communicate to others normally, at least vocally without alcohol, hell probably even in writing as you can easily observe here. There's so much I want to say and articulate, but I just lack the confidence sometimes. Always fearing another bad individual and my efforts will only hurt me more.
I find myself crying all the time thinking about everything. I seek happiness, yet it remains elusive due to the actions of others. Of course, I'm not particularly fond of being so woe-is-me, but it would be foolish for me to not acknowledge all of my experiences and write about them. The desire for authentic love and meaningful connections persists daily, but often feels out of reach. This life is so short, we've survived eons of wars, political/ideologies, genocides, famines, centuries of disasters natural or not, yet we are all still so horrible to each other. Realizing this reality, why do we perpetuate hurt in our everyday interactions? Lies, false affections, drama—these elements overshadow our genuine connections. The absolute agony of the disingenuous experiences we have with each other. I'll never come to understand it, upon realizing our reality we should be nothing but caring to each other, trustworthy, good-intentioned and wanting real love but unfortunately it seems to not be that way for the majority.
     I realize the possibility of a friend, maybe past friend or a lover, maybe past lover reading this and maybe being upset. This isn't a tirade against others, nor is it an assertion of my moral superiority. Rather, it's a heartfelt plea for understanding. To those who've caused pain: I implore you to introspect and change, don't continue to be hypocritical. My words stem from love, not hatred. I long for a reality where kindness prevails, where connections are sincere, devoid of hidden motives. Never misinterpret my genuine love even after all that has transpired. Not even sure if I can put this across correctly or how I honestly intended, but I needed to write this for me I'm just not sure how much more of all of these bad experiences I can handle. Just a benevolent soul in a seemingly malevolent world with mostly malevolent people. How can I point out all the flaws in others without addressing myself right? So yes, I know I've been particularly edgy especially when drunk, I've associated with in the past some pretty edgy/toxic groups of people (coincidentally, and by chance) and heavily exaggerated this fact. I've been racist, but most of this is just a self-defense mechanism because I've been hurt so much (minus the racism, which is usually trolling) and I no longer associate with ideologies or anyone who does or has involvement with any groups or politics.
     I understand one must judge people on a personal individual level and nothing is simply black and white nor simplified to race, sexuality, gender, everyone must be looked at individually and not by any categorical trait. People who do this are unintelligent and wish to simplify life when it cannot be simplified and lack any want to truly interpret or understand anyone or anything. I want love, friendship, and I always have given it my all and truly cared when I did. I want real friendships that aren't malicious or have any specific underlying goal, no drama or hurt. Life seems to never want to give me either no matter how benevolent I am, but rather I just get hurt by seemingly malicious, bad or broken individuals, and am left alone at the end of the day while they continue on with others even when they are bad and no one understands it unfortunately. Not sure what to think anymore all I know is how miserable I feel, how alone I am, how disconnected I am, how heart-broken I am, how exhausted I am, and how I wish for only other benevolent people in my life but never receiving it. If a particular someone is reading this, just know I love you, but I'm not sure you really ever did me, and if so it mustn't of been that much it seems. Forever feeling like no one cares about me, besides hurting me, yours truly, Connie signing out, my dear hypothetical readers.