inherent

i would say that this feeling is foreign to me but i'd be telling myself a bold-faced lie. this is a constant feeling, it just wanes occasionally when i can find something to occupy myself long enough to drown it out for a while. it makes my chest feel hollow. with every inhale my ribcage inverts, my innards quashed and pierced. exhale. perforated. my head swims in a murky swamp of self-doubt, hatred and disillusionment. i wade between the tide pools, contemplating oblivion. my eyes gloss over, foggy and lost to the outside world, they've begun to face inward. my mouth is dry. i smack my lips trying to feel something again. what's the point? when even something so trivial can toss every shred of goodwill and trust out the window as if done intentionally for sport... why bother to try? perhaps one day this feeling will finally leave me, and a profound sense of relief will wash over me, cleansing my psyche. but whether that will come in life or death is unknown. until then, this inherent guilt remains, gnawing at the carcass of a mind once brilliant bright and full of hope.