a conversation i had when im about to sleep

"You know I’m your girlfriend now, I care about you and you have to tell me what makes you feeling like this. You have to tell me everything."

"I know. I just don’t think that you’re ready yet, that’s all."

"I don't know what it is you want to tell me but I will not say this if I'm not ready. I don't know what's holding you back from having this conversation, but you have to try."

"I guess you’re right. But I need you to answer some questions for me okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay. So, you do understand that things just happens right? Like it just happens because it’s just is. We’re here on the lake having a picnic after class, and why? Logically, because we planned it. I texted you, and we agreed. But looking at another perspective, why are we here? Because we just are. We’re two people having an interest in each other and wants to see each other more, that’s why we’re here. But the point is we are here because we just are meant to be here and so we are here. I don’t know if you do understand this but I need you to know what I’m thinking."

"I don’t get everything but I see your point."

"Okay." She said with a long pause. "Well?"

"Oh right. I wanted to tell you that I have this thing called gender dysphoria? Have you heard of it?"

"Yeah sure, I don't really get it though."

"Well, it’s pretty obvious from the words. Gender, a social construct. Dysphoria, the opposite of euphoria. I can only describe it as sorrow, and despair."

"Ah, I see. So how long has it been bothering you?"

"I don't know exactly. But it gets pretty bad this past couple of years. Especially when things get messy. Horrible events makes the pain even stronger. Sorry I said that, it’s such a strong word."

"Hey don't say sorry. I think you feel that way and that's why you said that. It's okay, I understand."

"Thank you. I- I don't want you to question our whole relationship over this. Its very confusing and I too am figuring stuff out. The thing I said earlier, I was worried you might not like me anymore, or become disgusted by me. I really don't want you to feel that, so I’m glad you understand. Thank you."

"Oh I would never feel that towards anyone, such a horrible human being if that were to happen. Say, have you thought about wearing a dress?"

"All the time. Its somewhat comforting to imagine myself in them. But at the same time it’s tearing me apart and pushed into this deep hole of despair in knowing that I could never wear them and be normal. I want to feel normal around people."

"Right. Have you seen anyone?"

"Nope. I want to though. I don't know why I haven’t. I guess the whole process just seems so bureaucratic, filling the forms, and another forms, and another. Just the thought of it is so tiring."

"I can help you fill the forms."

"really?"

"Yeah. I'd love too. We'd help each other.

"Okay, we’ll do it tomorrow."

"Great."

"One thing though, before you go. I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Oh you fell in love too quickly."

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