Brainfog

I have bad brainfog and I'm gonna try to get better. That's why I haven't been active here. I can not focus on reading at all. I can't process it.

I'm gonna try a few things. I will update on if they work. My IDEAL PLAN is any but preferably all of the following:

--- Use social media less. And when I do use it, using it thoughtfully rathed than mindlessly scrolling. Browsing art good, scrolling while bored bad. 

While dogsitting, I sat outside with the dog and drew on paper. The wifi didn't work out there, nor did the data. So I had no way to use my phone. I still lost focus and took breaks to just stare into space. But that HAS to be better than assaulting my mind with an information overload of posts, so I just need to let myself stare into space more. Maybe if I had more things to stim with I could focus on that for my break times?

--- Eat better.

I eat like shit. I'm a manchild that can't cook and doesn't know how to eat healthy and I'm embarrassed to even google it. But what's more shameful is to act helpless and keep doing this, so I've been reading little bits of advice at a time. I will start slow by just adding tiny chopped up veggies to my usual meals, eventually I'll move up to more fulfilling stuff. But step 1 is adding veggies and healthy foods. Step 2 can be dropping unhealthy foods. 

--- Take vitamins.

In my research I saw magnesium, B12, and vitamin D all recommended for brainfog. If those aren't stupid expensive, then it would only hurt to not try. 

--- Go outside more. Just, OUTSIDE. Doesn't have to be Doing anything. Just sitting on the porch.

Sitting outside with the dog felt really good. I was saddened when she wanted to go inside, but I was too anxious to sit alone. I will not judge myself for it. I'll simply try to sit outside by myself more often. There's a patch of grass with park benches like 3 mins from my house, even. 

--- Blog more?

Funny enough, I feel good whenever I write my thoughts out like this. It's different from a diary, because I have to put effort in because others will see it. I simply can't be too private, if I have no one to impress then I let myself go because I do not care for impressing myself. Blogging forces me to put effort into describing my thoughts. Plus, it's fun. It can be a very constructive and positive outlet for voicing my thoughts and infodumping about my interests. My mind feels a bit better just from typing all this out.

Plus, typing out life goals publicly makes me feel pressured. If I just ignore it, I'll feel ashamed. And if anyone asks about my progress when I've done nothing? Oh, hand me a shovel, I'm digging myself a grave and then hitting myself over the head with it. 

--- Sleep better.

I sleep terribly. I wake up too late. I'll have more time to do things if I wake up earlier, that way even if I do lose focus and mindlessly scroll for hours, I'll have more hours awake to make up for bit.

--- Get a job.

Right. I need to send out another batch of applications as everything local has ignored me. I'm going to research the public bus routes of my area to see if I can take a bus to any other towns or shopppng outlets. But, constantly feeling like I'm a deadbeat burden with nothing to do definitely doesn't help. If I had SOMETHING to do... It's hard as a chronically ill person, I'm terrified of basic retail jobs as they're the most unforgiving... Everyone will say it's unskilled labor that deserves no pay, and yet those are the jobs that force you to come in while sick because god forbid Karen gets her fucking big mac in 5 minutes rather than 2. The anxiety of being forced aggravates my poor health, so, I also do not want a job. But I have to. 

I also need to figure out what career I want. I was thinking about trades, as I've already dropped out of one college. I kind of wish I could be a mortician, but I have no people skills. I have no empathy, really. Which is why I wouldn't be bothered by the dead. But I could not be the best with the familys. I am too blunt and offend people just when I am discussing pleasant topics, to set me next to a grieving family would be... I just don't know what to say. I'm not good with words. Death is sad. Yeah. What do I say about it? "Damn, I don't rly feel anything cuz I neved knew dear old Dave here but I know what it feels like to lose a loved one, and that feeling is grief, so I'm sorry for you." No shit. Who doesnt 'know what it feels like' about anything? Who isn't sorry for you when someone dies? No one cares to hear that. Maybe I can just the fucked up little ogre in the back who does all the dirty work and never speaks. That'd be great. Oh, I don't know make-up either, and my hands are shakey, so I don't know if I'd be good at reconstruction...

But I keep thinking about it. I had a dream about being a mortician, it's that much on my mind. I never have coherent dreams that I remember. I'll think more later. I just got back from that weeklong adventure. I did some art stuff at least. I finished most of my goals, what I didn't finish was stuff I decided to take another direction on.

Tomorrow, I will practice driving by going and getting groceries, and I'll get vitamins. AND I'll get some supplies for preserving a dead crab that my partner brought home from the beach. It's weird, his family thought it was cool and let him bring it home. My family threw out some of my preserved animal remains cuz they thought it was gross... I got so uncomfortable each time he mentioned it around his parents, fearful they'd groan in disgust and throw it away when we weren't looking, but no they were just like... "That's cool." WHAT the hell even.

But yeah anyways when I get home I'll unpack more and tidy up the apartment, I feel so cramped coming back home here after having a full house to myself for awhile. I'll make myself feel better by cleaning. Disorganized surroundings give me a disorganized mind.

Can you tell I don't want to go to bed so I keep making up shit to type? My freaking hands are cramping from typing, so I gotta go tf to sleep. Feels weird not to say bye, so uh... Bye. Captain's signing off. See like I'm the captain of a cool spaceship. hell ye.