vent

lets start this off with a trigger warning for mentions of self harm! i'm gonna be super vague but do not proceed if you are sensitive to that!

ugh.

there are few things worse than friend drama when youre in high school. (except for exams which are ALSO happening this week)

ok so its not drama per say but oh my goodness is it ever dramatic.

basically, i have these friends. we all go to different schools pretty much, and we all know each other through local activities and communicate mostly online in a big group chat or dms. another note is that holy crap is mental illness fun. everyone seems to be struggling with different things at different times and in the spirit of being good friends, we all try and talk to and support whoever is struggling at the time; inadvertently becoming like... therapists and crisis response teams at the drop of a hat.

like theres been some crises.

but none of us are ever really prepared for these things and while it is affecting me and some anxieties i have, i worry more about my other friends more than myself. whether they're the ones who needed support or are giving it, i know all this shit is difficult for them too.

but theres one girl in particular (P) who has needed support more often than others. me and another friend (who has known her longer than anyone else) have discussed P's reliance on attention from boys to make her happy, and how when she's talking to a boy she will stop talking to us as much, and when she does, it is about him. she will often get really really attached to someone and when they don't immediately reciprocate her strong feelings or don't give her the levels/quantity of attention she is needing gets really upset. it's even worse when these boys break it off or if she realizes they're only talking to her to get in her pants. (which is most of them. the boys in my town are all kinda shitheads lol)

she also struggles with self harm a lot. I won't go into detail but it can often get really bad and these past few weeks its been really bad. the worst that it's been in a while. her mom knows, we all do what we can, but she still finds a way. she also has other coping mechanisms (getting validation from boys) but she knows that that just makes her feel worse in the long run, so she's been taking a break from it for a while it seems. i get it. the boys around here stink. (literally and figuratively) she has also been questioning her sexuality, which has probably added to the stress, plus we are doing our end of semester exams, so altogether she's not been doing great. this brings us to last night.

i was taking a break from people. i do this a lot; group chats/just communicating online stresses me out so i'll often be off of social medias in the evenings, but this is often when exciting, scary, or dramatic things happen, so sometimes i'll log back in to see that i've missed all these tears about a boy or something. (if theres a crisis or someone really needs help i immediately get back online. either someone else tells me or i kinda just know, or i get contacted personally by someone needing my support)

last night there was some drama that i missed. none of these guys really ever do that petty as-seen-on-tv teen girl drama. we are usually really chill and understanding. for reference, there was a time when 2 girls had a crush on the same guy. P had kind of been dating him all summer, and still had feelings even though it didn't work out. G had had a long time crush on him. P was understanding and we discussed it openly and P even encouraged G to shoot her shot. anyways, last night there was a miscommunication. P and G were joking around in the gc about being in love (a really common joke for us lol. "oh you're so hot" "omg kiss me rn" "let's get married ily" etc) and P kind of realized something i guess?? like i guess she realized she had a crush on G (or at least thought she did) and they took it to dms and it seemed that they decided to start dating. they sent screenshots of the convo to a smaller gc i'm in, and then announced it to the chat where everyone was. the only problem is that apparently G was kidding?

its unclear.

P was completely serious. told her mum (shes in no danger btw her parents are really kind and accepting dw) about it, they told us all excited and everyone was having a good time, congratulating them, ect. that's where all activity in the group chats stop for the night around 2300.

its today now, i go online, read through everything that happened last night, send a message to the gc saying congrats theyt would be a cute couple, whatever. inside i'm not feeling it. first if all, super rushed. split second decision made by 2 girls who are very close friends, questioning their sexualities, and have very bad mental health. from what i saw in the gc, they would have no reason to not be together still by morning, but i knew that ultimately they wouldn't last. i felt bad for thinking like that but they can both be in pretty dark places (often at the same time) and both have tendencies to hurt themselves or self-destruct in the same way. i figured we would be happy for them in the moment, support them, and they would realize that this wasn't going to work out, and they would end it.

my biggest worry was how that would effect out group dynamic afterwards.

then i got a message. its from our 1 male friend. despite being so different from us (straight teen boy, generally normal vs like 7 mostly queer, weird kid teen girls, who often have mental health issues) he's always been supportive and accepting of whatever whoever is going through. B is a good guy.

B messages me like 10 minutes after i sent my congrats to the gc and he's like "yeah uhhhhh thats not happening anymore. thats not a thing" what??? i delete my message before anyone sees it; go back to my convo with him. apparently there had been a severe lapse in communication. P had been completely serious; G had thought this was an elaborate bit (something we do sometimes, often along these themes, so the mix-up is understandable) and i can only assume after catting stopped in the gc P went back to private messaging G, going into more detail about this new "relationship", making G realize she wasn't kidding. I can only imagine the scene that they had, and i really hope they didn't fight (we never fight) about it, although there are now some MAJOR hurt feelings.

i messaged P this morning, justifiably worried for her health and safety, and she messaged back quick. so she's fine enough to text at least. she is really hurt about this, she feels embarrassed and icky but i can't tell if she's mad at G or not. i also messaged G but she has yet to respond. (also worried about her. she also has the same harmful tendencies that P has, and she probably feels like a really shitty person rn)

there is no winner in this situation. this was not a mean-spirited joke, just a big misunderstanding. P feels bad for being "fooled" for not being able to tell G was kidding around (although i read the screen shots they both sent. it seems more genuine than other other bit like this we've done. i probably would've taken it seriously as well) and G likely feels like shit for misleading P and hurting her feelings.

that's basically the whole situation up till now. sorry for the long-ass post i just needed to vent because i don't want to burden other friends outside the situation with this but i just needed to say it all "out loud" or something ugh anyways. this is so weird and i really hope this gets resolved. if anyone is actually reading this, sorry!

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