the curse of being me

Honestly, the hardest thing about being LGBTQ, is being confused.

It is the most confusing thing ever.

Like you think you're one thing, then it changes a month later. You tell everybody your pronouns, new name, everything. And then turns out you were never what you thought you were.
Or maybe it's just me.

I have been confused about myself for 3 years now. I've probably changed my gender/orientation about 10 times, my name about 15, and my pronouns about 5. Like wtf?? Why is this so hard???

Am I just nothing? I feel like I'm trans, but at the same time I feel like I'm literally nothing. Not trans, not cis, not non-binary, just empty. I know gendervoid and agender exist, but those don't feel right either. And I know I don't need to have a label, but still.

I love attention, I love being in a relationship with someone else, I crave it, I desire a romantic relationship with somebody. Anybody. But nope! BOOM!!! AROMANTIC!!!!
Sometimes I feel like this is just a big old curse. Like some sort of karma tactic for how shitty I was when I was younger. Stripping away that feeling of romance of always wanted.
And you know what's worse? Being hypersexual. I can't go a day without thinking some type of sexual thought or touching myself. Who wants to date somebody who doesn't feel romance, and is hypersexual? Nobody!! And if they do, you know damn well they probably thought "Is this person just dating me for some sort of sexual use?" at least once, if not, they're in denial.

I had an ex who was hypersexual, and even I thought of something like it. (And I was right, but that's for another time.)

I'd give anything just to feel romance. To actually feel real love for the people I date. I just want something real for once. 

(I promise I'm still silly </3 )