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i booked my flight back to massachusetts this morning and yet this little voice has been in the back of my head for the past few days whispering. is this a mistake? is bringing you along on this little escapade just dragging out something that's already doomed, no matter how far away the end seems? should i have gone on this alone?

and, cruelly, what if i broke it off with you and ran off to a monastery? it sounds fucking ridiculous but i'm almost ashamed to say it's been in the back of my mind. and the thing is, i don't want to break it off with you and then run away, it's just something i can't explain. the thing that really gets me, though, is that you would be furious, and yet you'd still tell me to go. 

i used to do my laundry and tell myself that if this is your love, then i can't let myself want it. and i didn't kiss you that time in the parking lot because i didn't want her to take our picture. 

that night i sat on the washing machine and drank sunny d while you got your wet clothes, and we kissed and i tried to convince you to take that pregnancy test after you fucked him. 

and the time you forgot my birthday and then we didn't talk for a week even though i tried calling most days. 

i went to the city because my mom told me she wanted to read a book, so i went and bought it for her. 

i keep this little pocket book of teachings in my purse these days, and i'm beginning to let myself give in. 

and that part's not about you. 

and yet in spite of everything i love you.