diary like, 10?

07.31.23

today i had to go to my father's. we leave for canada tmrw and we're there till the 8-9th, and then we're back at jefes house till like, the 12 or 13---whenever he'll let me go -_-;

i feel bad that all of my entries here are all like, melodramatic, and stupid, but honestly this is the one place i can be sorry for myself, express all my emotions, feel what i need to feel as intensely as i need to so that i don't need to express it to anyone in real life, without being judged. i actually cant even write in my own physical diary anymore---apparently the last time i was here he went through my things. and now he's using passages from it in court against my mom. :/ i cant even unpack what i feel about that rn.

i wish i wasn't like this. i wish i didn't need to be this dramatic about things. i wish i could just get over it, but i feel like i cant. i feel like i need to express myself so explicitly and dramatically bc i feel like none of this actually matters. and when i'm writing these diaries, part of it is trying to convince myself that my concerns are actually valid. and that my emotions are defensible. otherwise i cant think of them as real. i guess. and i'll just feel bad without knowing why. so in case someone is actually reading this, here's my mock defense: my diaries are so exaggerated and dramatic looking because normally someone feels sad they feel sad, for me its like, i need to back up every reason, every moment that led to why i feel that way and convey it.

but i wish i wasn't so dramatic. 

i feel like i'm fighting myself constantly. i know i'm spoiled. i know i'm so fucking spoiled and i don't deserve to complain about these things. ugh. i'm so fucking spoiled. i'm going to the college i really wanted. i don't care about the prices of items. i won't suck it up to get a job.

but i know i'm not that lazy. i mean, i work hard. i have worked hard. why am i lazy? why do i feel lazy? why is it that i always have to defend myself for why certain tasks werent completed, be they anything from school to just doing my laundry, and my answer being "i didnt have the time!" and i genuinely feel that! i genuinely didnt have the physical energy or the mental energy to do that thing among the other things that i had to do. and i look back on those times like, geez, i remember being so busy, so what was i actually doing? and the answer is always so underwhelming. usually its barely anything, on a given day. idk. its like, "how come i couldnt do that thing on that day? i technically had the hours.." but like i dont? and even if i did there was other stuff the previous days i was recovering from doing... and the mental energy? is that a component? is that something you can factor for? 4hr of work + 2hr cool down = 6hrs and then the next task, so that would take up the time right? but i just. i dont understand. so am i justified?? WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!! I feel like i'm going insane!!!!! i can't tell if i'm actually lazy or if its just fucking geoffe???? i dont know whats happening T_T i dont understand why i cant do things. i dont understand why i feel like i'm fucking just I DONT KNOW. i dont know how to explain. because i genuinely dont have the time. but then i remember playing video games for at least an hour, so its like i couldnt spend that time on that assignment? but i couldnt because my brain needed a break? is that justified? is it? what about doing nothing for days?

and recently. i only just submitted an application for work study, am i lazy? i'm scared of it. i dont really want a job on top of my classes and adjusting. like. i know people handle that stuff all the time. its expected. its like, you have those hours in the day you can spend time getting some money too. but its like can i? i feel like i cant do anything. but i dont know if thats actually my fault or if this is just the weight of where i'm living. if i had more freedom, if i had that weight taken off, had the emotional energy, mental energy, that i'm spending on dreading about geoffe and hating him, would i be able to handle more than i am? am i okay? is it my situation or is it me? will it change when i'm in college? why am i so weak T_T

like. i'm always bringing up my leg. online. and its like. no one fucking listens in real life. i guess. so i always complain here instead. idk. like it doesnt rule my life, but it also does impact me a lot. and that pain is always there. and i dont know. i forget about it, because i'm so used to enduring it. but is that also why i'm so exhausted?

idk. i feel like, weird. 

my back is giving me issues lately T_T my upper back and neck always feel so fucking tight i could cry. i cant sleep with a pillow anymore. i have to sleep flat on my mattress, but even that isnt comfortable, its too soft. i cant get comfortable. i used to love sleeping. but for the past bit its been so hard. idk.

i feel like these diaries also help me put things in perspective even if they're melodramatic. bc it might look like i'm being sorry for myself, and like i am, but i feel like that brings more genuine compassion for myself? like i read this i cant help feeling depressed for my situation but that also makes it easier to bear, since i can recognize that its hard and prepare. and it also is like. i'm not as bad a person as i think i am? i always hate myself all the time for being spoiled and lazy, but i can have more compassion for myself by reading these, and seeing my thoughts after they've been thought rather than only experiencing them in the emotion they were born (self hate).

but not for certain things. certain things i will always feel as me being spoiled and lazy. especially for college. like. i shouldnt be going there. i should be going to a cost effective local college and doing pharmacy or something and then getting a job. idk. i feel so guilty about going to a college like the one i am. its small, its rich, its got a really nice campus in a good location, it has every class i could ever want to study, it has study abroad options, it has so much. but i would never be able to go there if it wasnt for geoffe paying for it. fuck i'm so spoiled. and then i come and complain about geoffe. even though he's the only reason i am able to do this. 

like i'll be straight up. the cost for the college im enrolled at is 34k/yr w my scholarship. our local university is 31k/yr, it didnt give me a scholarship. the cheapest school i have was 27k/yr w scholarship, good school but didnt have the classes i wanted like the one im at. and like. i didnt even apply to more cost effective schools, like for pharmacy or physical therapy or something, which is what i should be doing to be cost effective. like. damn it. like 

1. i'm spoiled for arguing that i wanted to go to the college i'm currently at instead of just picking the cheapest option 

2. i'm spoiled because like. i had the ability to do that at all? 

most people its no question of where they have to go bc they dont have a fucking geoffe that can just shell out the money. i just fucking hate myself! like. what is going on... idk. i dont even know why i feel so bad about it but i really do. i feel really fucking bad about this. i feel really guilty. i know a lot of smart people way smarter than fucking me, going to that local college thats like, fine its a fine school, but it doesnt have the opportunities like the one i'm at. and they would deserve to study wherever they wanted whatever they wanted. not me. like i dont know how to feel about this! and geoffe calls me ungrateful and i know i am! i know i'm fucking ungrateful. i dont get it. i dont even know what i'm supposed to do to mend this. do i just get over it? do i just focus on the school work and earn it? do i just accept it and enjoy what i have (impossible)? why am i so miserable about this. why am i always sad and confused about this.