Buckwheat's Poetry #2 | 'My Body' (made Jan 12, 2023)

My Body

Sometimes, I don’t like my body.

Some days, I feel as though my body is of a greek statue. Like I am precious, something that needs to be preserved and worshiped. I want to look at myself and believe that others could only dream to look the way I do.

But I know they don’t.

I know my body is not of standard. It is misshapen, disproportionate. I feel like I am a doll, whose limbs have been taken off and replaced with another. I want to escape from this shell. A shell of a body that does not belong to me.

I ‘m not pretty enough to be a girl, not handsome enough to be a boy. Not beautiful enough to be either. I am a shell. A shell of what could have been had I  been more careful with myself.

Some parts of my body have been played with, toyed at and used, by people who only saw me for one good reason. Someone who will take any compliments about themself even if it meant giving up my dignity. Even after all this time, I feel the hands that used me. I weep and resent myself for ever letting it happen, even though I was too young to understand what was happening.

I am slowly learning to forgive, and forget. But that will never change how I look at my body. I have hated it for so long, I fear it’s too late for me to ever feel beautiful. 

Somedays, I am satisfied with my appearance. Sometimes, I do feel pretty. I just wish it was everyday. I wish that everyday I could look at myself in the mirror and think about how lucky I am to be me. And who knows, maybe I will.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel beautiful on the inside, in fact I love who I am. I love my personality, my kindness. But I feel like I will never be fully beautiful if I do not feel it on the outside.