Life Entry 1

I should be packing up now, but I think I’ll play another game of league while I’m still here. I like the peace and quiet, but earlier my dad came up and asked if I wanted a beer. I wondered if it was to maybe keep me from driving back to my brothers, so I told him sure, but I’ll drink it when I get back to William. He said ok, and went downstairs to watch the mummy.

For all of my dad’s faults like being a diehard Christian, he at least talks to me like a human being, like his own kid. I don’t get that from my mom. She despises me, sees me as the enemy. She still cares about me, but in a twisted way. I think the good portions of her are still alive somewhere under all that rot and decay. She scoffs when I told her she begs for me to not leave, and yet every night she texts me if I’m coming back.

I’m torn between worlds, as it’s always been. My parents divorced when I was just a baby, so I’m used to visiting one parent and the other for a couple days. Coupled with my gambling addict mom forcing us to move every few weeks or months, I couldn’t quite build my own identity or have solid friends until much later.

My dad wasn’t always this “decent”. He was very abusive when I was a lot younger. I’ve moved on from it now. I had to make public claims that it never happened because I knew it was in our best interest to lie so that our family business has a chance against our scheming uncle. To take that hit and have nearly half of my life erased, was quite something. 

My stress levels remain the same whether I stay with my brother who has my mom as our tenant, or to stay here with my dad and his family. At least my dad leaves me alone for the most part unlike last time I stayed, where his traditionalist beliefs wanted me to be a part of every on-going thing in the house like scheduled meal times and curfew. Not anymore. I feel bad for even wanting to leave.

I’m only going to watch this house for a month while he and his family are on vacation. I’ll make sure the livestock are alive and well and I’ll make sure our adoptive grandpa doesn’t keel over and die. Hopefully by the end of this month my brother will have a plan to move out.

I can only imagine what it’s like to have my own place.

I shouldn’t have made such a rash decision a few months ago, when I was emotional and my judgement clouded by my feelings, because my idiot brother thought I could hear him through my noise canceling earbuds, so I didn’t take the traffic-free route he kept trying to tell me about until it was too late.

He knows the errors of his ways now, but my idiot mom didn’t help the situation then. She went off about how my brother could’ve lost his job, then kept claiming he wanted to sue me, and then rambled about random men wanting to hurt me for no reason. I knew she was crazy but because my brother didn’t speak to me at all, I assumed she was right about him wanting to sue me. I thought it was best for me to move out.

My brother and I made up obviously, but the decision was made so now I have to house sit pretty much everyday for a month. It’s going to drain my gas and it’ll be riskier to make sure my brother gets to work on time. I wonder if my idiot mom knows she’s to blame for all this. That’s why she’s been begging me to come home. 

That’s why you don’t try to hurt people if you’re afraid of losing them, because I don’t intend to remain there after this year. If my brother gets too chicken and doesn’t want to move out before the end of this year, then maybe I will stay with my dad.

Usually I wonder how my life would be if my family was functional. If none of us were addicted to losing our money at the casino and if none of us were so terribly greedy. We could’ve had it all. 

To forget this life and start anew with brighter beginnings would be such a blessing.