kamera, 3.5wks post-op


this is a precursor to a longer blog eventually when i have some energy.

went on a girls trip 2 da beach w some close friends i have not seen all year! an hour in and i got dumped via text message. it's OK. we go out we get wasted it's wonderful. we end up at a karaoke bar. i faceplant on stage in an attempt to rush back from the bathroom in time after our song started. we ended up staying until closing time so it was totally fun and worth it all in all.

today i drove 2hrs one way to realize the oppenheimer 70mm tickets i bought were for yesterday and had to drive my sister and i back the same 2hrs with a full bowl of popcorn. i am so exhausted from driving. on top of that, just to rant and really poke around at feelings i usually just want to push down and pretend to not have, this bad luck has worn me down a bit. i feel restless and have misplaced a bag of m&m's i got at the movie theater. the irony of misplacing them is not lost on me because i'm fucking hungry man.

update: the power is now out. i've always thought of rain as a message to reflect and start things again. the power outage is a perfect way to wrap this week up. total shut down. i'm reading pachinko by min jin lee with a head lamp. it reminds me of italy. in the countryside during our pilgrimage, without any access to electricity or the time, a couple of classmates friends and i did some studying and were going crazy over our situation. our conversation made its way to book recommendations. the night before, another student and i shared a bed and she requested i read my book (then white teeth by zadie smith) while she finished a crochet project (a lemon bag made of cotton). both of them enthusiastically recommended pachinko, my countryside-housemate noting their similar themes and a friend on the program who i share a history major with recommending from a historical fiction perspective. it has been amazing. the writing is so concise and i read with sole minded focus.

i have been so rational about the break up. when she said she's felt this way for a while, i wonder when that shift was. in all honesty, the past few weeks of our relationship felt more like a moderately emotionally close friendship. little to no communication, daily texts where we never caught each other. oooh i got led on bad. nice realization there. it's good to admit it. i have had these anxieties growing for the past couple of weeks, but i refused to interrogate these thoughts. that's something to look out for going forward. then there's the question of when she wanted to 'break up' bc she said she had not found a good time in the past couple weeks. which like no shit. i've been posted up in bed most of the day recovering from a surgery, so probably before then. probably during italy. who knows. no use crying over spilled milk has been the motto this week don't like asking these questions. what better time than alone in the dark like ghoooost stoooories. need to take off the sweatshirt, it's feeling all of 84 degrees.

will b posted once power is back on B) spacehey is kind of just a BeReal for needing to process emotions if u think about it.

Hannah's Lights Out/Head Clearing/Bruise Prodding/Solo Head Lamp Rave Playlist

Clean - Taylor Swift (tswift is a good baseline of where to go emotionally for the night)

Bodys - Car Seat Headrest

Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple

Are You Ten Years Ago - PVRIS

Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem

that's all :) back to reading. toodaloo.

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it is sunday afternoon, i saw barbie last night with family, had a friend sleep over, am now watching it's always sunny. chilling chilling chilling. got more bad news yesterday, our old little dog has to have his eyes removed this week and i'm going to have to drive him there and back. crying during barbie was super cathartic cause maaaaannnnn it's just been so much. "You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough" augh i was crying by then. 

i have a couple friends who are asking me how im feeling and immediately offered to call after hearing the news about the gf and i and how the week has got progressively worse. i also cannot overstate how wonderful the beach trip was :) my bestiesssss, the grief is never ending but so is the love and all that. i ordered four books from thriftbooks and can't wait to get them.

being 3.5 weeks post op and staring down the return to college, i have thought about what i am going to do after graduating college. and been asked it 50 times this summer and can't brush it off with an "wait until after surgery". this is SUCH a painful question and it sucks and it is like sticking your thumb in an open wound and rubbing around in there to think "where am i going to live? where am i going to work? who am i going to live with? how long will my commute be?" do not worry. i have thoughts. i'm pursuing a degree in political science and history, so staffing is what i'm thinking of and using that job as a time to get to figure out what i want to do (grad school? law school? bureaucracy?) i've also had a couple of friends suggest some kind of career in sports journalism or archiving. which are both fun to think about, but something i wouldn't let myself get lost in while working on my senior thesis. this is the extent i've thought about it: in the future, i would like to look more at sports in the context of u.s. political history and how sports act in pop culture, their role in the media and relationship w/ fostering a sense of national pride. that might sound stupid as a concept now, but i want to think harder about it bc sports are so influential. it would also be really valuable to discuss economic systems that run the industry and examining these brands as political actors. and what options this leaves both those who play sports and those who advertise with them to influence others.

Foolish One - Taylor Swift (again: she knows how to get in touch with feelings)

Get It Together - Midtown

Too Close - Sir Chloe

Kamera - Wilco

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