Social anxiety vent

In middle school I had severe social anxiety. As u can imagine, it made a lot of aspects of life impossible lol. But then in high school it seemed to lessen. For a long time I thought my anxiety wasn't that bad anymore, but I kinda realized it never really got better, my depression just overclouded like hell.

I went through therapy and stuff and left it better than I ever could've imagined. And tbh my social anxiety is better than it used to be, but it's been slowly going back to how it was for months now and I feel so helpless against it lol. A part of me is scared I'll need therapy for the rest of my life to be a functioning human being, I recognize I was lucky to have such a wonderful therapist who helped me like that. Ik there are too many therapists who shouldn't be. But at the same time I'm tired of reviewing over and over and over again what I say/will say to make sure it makes sense, that it's not weird, that no-one will judge me for it, that I'm not being annoying. I'm tired of being awkward and making others feel awkward around me just because I can't socialize and hold small talk or a conversation. Like literally all I want to do whenever ppl talk to me is nod my head and smile or frown at whatever they say ;_; it's not that I don't care, I just lose words, don't have any to say at all, or scared to say them.

I always thought I'd have a better time making online friends but uhhh no it's the same lol. It's worse actually tbh QwQ I appreciate the non-immediateness of online interaction but half the time I just end up never responding bcuz social anxiety or I can't keep the convo going. And the flare ups in my anxiety don't make it any better.. ugh. Anyway if you read all this then thank u, u didn't have to I just needed to rant. I hope ur all doing well and have a good day <3