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Category: Writing and Poetry

Love her like a lover, loved her like a loser: A letter to no one

Perhaps it's a continuous cycle of falling in love and out of love. Somehow, I'm not convinced that one falls out of love entirely. Rather it lessens overtime and isn't particularly overshadowed by stronger love, but it stays in a specific corner of the heart. It exists, somewhere, as a memory one can come back to remember but never return to.

Or at least, that's how I feel about it.

There are moments in my life that I find myself reminiscing about:

I remember how I saw people seemingly move in slow motion, felt how my throat started to tighten and how my heart stopped for exactly seven seconds the first time I saw you enter the venue we had our first high school prom together,

I remember how I felt when we couldn't dance properly when everyone around us couldn't understand how we both wanted to dance with each other without the judgement of others,

I remember how it hurt to see you witness how conscious I got when I saw their eyes on us,

I remember how everything became a reality when I first saw you in person on a former friend's birthday,

I remember how glued we were at the bowling alley and how it felt right that we sat next to each other,

I remember being nervous to meet your parents the first time - worried about making a good first impression,

I remember walking with you under lamposts and see how your eyes sparkled whenever you looked at me; and, 

I remember how I saw you smile at me when I feigned falling asleep on call.

I remember it all.

Perhaps we were in love and you never came to terms with that.

I'm sorry, that's stupid of me to say. I'm only telling myself that.

There is nothing left to do in those situations now that we're here past the end of the line. What's left, I suppose, is appreciation for you. For how you came into my life and brought what you could offer, only to leave in one of the worse case possible. Either way, even if it hurts the both of us, I will not deny that a bit of me loves you. I, also, won't deny that it hurt me when you told me you still love me despite all that has happened.

That love is different now and that's fine with me. I've come to terms with it.

Now I wonder, is it ever a "goodbye" even when I said it? I suppose that it isn't when I still write letters to the air, hoping it makes its way to you. Things never really ended for us. I just find myself moving forward on life.

Anywho, I hope I never see you around. I don't think I can bear to.


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