my struggles with mental health

ok so tw this mentions r*p3 SA cvtting and suicide 

when i was 6 years old i was raped and sexually abused by my neighbor. her name was zahra rivkin and im NOT ashamed to say her full name. she manipulated me into thinking nobody would believe me if i told them. she had lived in my neighborhood longer then me so i thought it was true that everyone would take her side. at 8 i realized how fucked up she was. when i was 9 she moved away thankfully. i developed depression at 8 and it worsened at 9 and i think she was the reason i got it. it only worsened because my mother never gave 2 shits about giving me attention all she wanted was to party, i started hating her because i was realizing how shitty of a mother she is. yelling at me whenever i did something she didnt like. yelling at me when she found out i had vent notes. blaming me for the reason shes so shitty. my first attempt iykwim was at 9 and i started cvtting at 10. i never had anyone to talk to and whenever i told an adult they told me to stop being dramatic and i had an awesome life. ill admit i have a better life then a lot of people but there is more people with better lives then me then there is worse. my mom didnt even show any support when she found out i had been cutting and attempting suicide. it took her like 7 months for her to try and come up with alternatives. finally we have one. but now i have a therapist. i havent spilled my guts to him yet because if i do ill slip up and then get sent to the psych ward. ive been hearing things that arent really there recently and in the corner of my eyes ive been seeing them to. i think im autistic and i also dont even know 3 of my personality traits. i say i have DID but i really just hate who i am and pretend to be someone else. but really i cant decide who else to be. theres so many personalities better then mine how am i supposed to choose? im different to everyone i meet. im going to fucking kms istg. i cant take any of this shit anymore