25.7.23

TW: SH AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I think this week is gonna be the worst week ever n it's just Tuesday. 

Yesterday [24.7.23], I woke up in a bad mood. I don't remember much that's happened (shortest memory ever recorded omfg) but all I can remember is that during assembly, I looked down on the balcony n thought of jumping off (suicide ofc). But I didn't, not bc I snapped back to reality but because there was bird shit on the roof below. 

We had a group discussion about sum shit we're gonna present on Wednesday (tmr), I pulled out my tablet bc everyone else was, opened discord n the tr just so happens to be behind me so she called out abt me chatting OUT LOUD. I get it was my fault but rlly lady?? Everyone was quiet when she did that so it made me even more anxious, not to mention how other students were opening their chats too but I got called out. I didn't look at anyone's face but I could feel that they were all staring at me. I was clearly stressed by that n one of my group members reassured me, saying "She's just mental".

After lunch, I had a counselling session. First time in like 5 months lmao. I told some stuffs n the counsellor asked if ive stopped cutting myself, i lied. I relapsed just a day before. N I almost teared up talking abt my recent struggles. It was hard to breathe too. I've found out that talking to ppl abt my problems is rlly hard n I can't seem to find words so I'm planning on writing my thoughts again (in a notebook this time haha).

After school, I was rlly hungry. I got another creepy encounter with that one creepy weapon dude. He was too close as usual n he put his face closer to mine aswell cus he "couldn't hear me". Im aware that  I have a soft voice but ewwww... My car arrived n I was told I couldn't eat cus we ain't got some money n I got pissed. I went home n cried in my bedroom. Ik it's stupid but ive been going through sm pressure already.

Today, I woke up in a bad mood again. I just didn't like school. But hey at least I was told I could finally eat after school, that would make my day any better right??? FUCK NO. Well maybe not. It was not as bad as yesterday, but I was still in a bad mood nonetheless. I literally couldn't remember anything that happened today worth a documentary. I'm just rlly tired.