07.22.23 - [18+] sorry ive been gone so long…

GOOD MORNING BALLERS,

    Hey guys! I’ve been… gone for quite a while! I’ve been in a confusing MANIC EPISODE filled with self destructive behavior and things of the like. I still don’t truly know if it’s over, seems to be coming in waves. 

I don’t know if you know, but I’d been in the Philippines for a month, where the drinking age is 18. I drank, I partied, barhopped and went to clubs. It was pretty self destructive and stress induced, which is… honestly something I really never do. I maybe indulge a little at times in substances, but nothing like this. No ‘drugs’ or anything. Just got carried away. When I got home, the loss of that relief and age-induced stressors hit me like a truck. I ended up… whoring out? Is that a weird way to say that? It was all people I trusted, of course, and nothing truly bad had happened. None of it affected the relationships I had with those people… but it was definitely self-destructive behavior. After a while, my friend had a sort of intervention that they began with a “how have you been,” and such. I ended up rambling… manically… and she confronted me about my behavior. The things I’d done were nowhere near inherently bad and did not hurt anyone, but she could see that it was self-destructive behavior before I could myself. 

Moderate and controlled substance use, high sex drive, constantly having my face in some theory or book, little to no retrospection, 8 hours a day writing music, the same amount dedicated to art, etc. Those are all not necessarily bad things, but with my average behavior and my friend’s knowledge of mania she noticed. And she helped me. First, I’d like to call attention to that. Having a wonderful friend at a time when things are difficult is such an actual life changer and I’d like to start being that friend for others more often. Aside from that, I’m practically just informing myself to be more wary. I don’t know how many people read these things. I’m going to a party soon… but I’m reminding myself to try and live healthily. I don’t really know how to deal with manic behavior and I don’t know know how to help myself, but I am going to keep trying to look within myself for some sort of answer. Not too deeply, just enough to live. 

Basically, nothing bad happened. I just had my face in the mud for a bit. 

FAREWELL AND UNTIL NEXT TIME !!!