Diary Entry #1: He's Still God!

It's been a long time since I opened you up or had the motivation to violate your skin. I guess, I grew up. Learned how to shut my emotions out. Learned that materialistic treasures can get taken away easily without having any power over it. Kind of reminds me of my miscarriage. What I yearned for, died. Right in front of my eyes & I felt so powerless. Just like earlier this week.

My boss decided to wait until' I got to work to turn me around without caring how I felt. The supervisors set me up to fail, told me not to come into work that Saturday. Lied about my constant "sitting down on the job" and said I wasn't "fit" for the demanding work. For people who've been there for years, I finished early and helped them while they walked off and left me. My body ached, I pushed forward. 

The day she fired me, I almost took my own life. I worked hard to get out of the crappy situation I was in. I couldn't tell you how I got there, honestly. One day, I woke up and I was stuck and been trying to break free from it since. I was so emotional that I sacrificed my gas, woke up early to be there on time - just to get fired for something I wasn't in control of.  I didn't stand up for myself in fear of being disrespectful, which made me even angrier. I wanted the blood, sweat, and tears back. 

One thing that I've learned in adulthood is that these jobs will break you down until' there is nothing else left in you. You're disabled. Emotionally withdrawn from life. And in my case, until' you recklessly drive down a highway not seeing God in the betrayal of your fellow brothers and sisters. I won't even start on the racial issue there. But all I had to do was let go of the wheel & I would've flipped my car. 

I'm not sure what made me hold on or even stop - guess I was too afraid to let them win. Through that moment, I saw the control I had. I had the final decision whether to hurt myself worse than they've hurt me or heal. I choose to heal. 

Yes diary, it still hurts super bad. The wounds are still fresh and I am having nightmares of drowning because someone is holding me underwater. Even though I am trying to help them mentally, they are killing me. They slowly frighten me and I have panic attacks in the dark. 

- But I see it like this:

The job wasn't what was beneficial to my passion and dreams. 

I am STILL HERE. THEY DID NOT WIN!

God sent me SPACEHEY to finally feel a poetic release. 

I am connecting to who I once was, better than I have ever been. 

HE IS STILL GOD EVEN WHEN I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Thank you for listening to me vent at 1:30 in the morning, diary. You are a badass & I'll tattoo your skin another time. I just needed that reminder of how wonderful life could be again. 

Love yours truly, Purr+