Entry one.

Wanted to start writing little personal blogs on here just to talk about the things on my mind. I’m online so often but I just wanna rant at times, but at the same time, I’d feel bad for bombarding the bulletins with my steady stream of nonsense. I guess this is also a way for me to practice being more open about myself since that’s another thing I’m struggling with.

Senioritis really is kicking my ass and handing it straight back to me. And I mean in the most disrespectful, dishonorable way a feeling can kick your ass and hand said kicked ass right back. It’s crazy to me that I’m so close to the end of my formidable/required school years and that this is the last year I’m going to be enjoying it. I want to finish so quickly to just get it all over with but I also just want to keep clinging onto the last year of highschool I’ll be able to experience. The thought of going to college is terrifying. The thought of not going is depressing. I keep thinking back to my elementary and middle school years and missing what it seems like I took for granted for so long. Like. It’s insane to me seeing so many younger users going into their first year of highschool, finally becoming freshman. It just makes me think back to my freshman year and how terrified I was going into it. But that feels like so long ago now. I miss freshman year. :(

I’ve been smoking a lot more recently. I always get a lot more jittery and anxious when August rolls around because the start of every school year always makes me feel pure, unadulterated dread. Like to the point of vomiting or not sleeping at all. It’s really calming to be able to just unwind with my pipe, though. Especially when toking with my friends in the local parks, alleyways, parking lots, or their bedrooms. We just listen to music and talk. Talk about the shit we wouldn’t talk about normally. Gut-wrenching heart-to-hearts. Those little moments between me and them are ones I wouldn’t trade for the world. Smoking’s bad for the lungs, but it’s a small price to pay just to share those moments.

I’ve been listening to a lot more techno and folk music (and music associated with gals. I don’t wanna say ‘gyaru’ music because.. y’know. Gyaru is a fashion focused subculture, the music I’ve been listening to is the sort you’d do parapara to, and ‘gyaru’ really doesn’t seem like the word to fit the music, so I just say gal music) which is a huge contrast to what I was listening to before. I was a strict pop punk, nu metal, midwest emo, and folkpunk listener. But all I can listen to now is this other shit. I can’t really complain fully because folk music is absolutely beautiful, and I’ve been listening to a lot of Harry McClintok, Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie, and The Kossoy Sisters a lot as of late. I especially like listening to it outside, getting to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin and seeing some of the rolling farm fields as I drive. It’s really nice. :)

I’m so looking forward to my birthday. I heard through the grape vine that my friends are getting me some of the Equestria Girls toys and some of the ponies from the older generations.. My stepbro Tunip is getting me either one or two of the Kotobukiya figures, which. Oh my God, I am so fuckin’ excited for. I’ve wanted one for the longest and I’d be happy with any of them. There’s a good chance he’s getting me the Kotobukiya Miku figure with the pony counterpart or the Rainbow Dash figure. My other stepsib is getting me Akita Neru, Kasane Teto, and Kowane Haku nendoroids, a Homestuck lunchbox, the SBaHJ sauce, and a BFDI Firey plush.. fnfnfnfngm I fucking love my step siblings and I can’t wait (even if turning 18 is. Terrifying. Shudder, shudder.)