Diary july 19 2023

I went swimming like twice. Turns out the reason the ocean makes me feel itchy is that these little tiny creatures are attaching to me and being generally annoying asf. We had burgers and i made a potato spinach thing cooked with some pork fat back to provide the oil. I went about 3.6 miles and it was good. Im starting working out with my online friend we’re doing stuff every day to get into shape together and it really makes me happy that i have someone to do it with and to keep me accountable. Im worried about my gf idk im not sure she loves me that much idk if i love her. I say this now but that’s because i think too much. I need to start living in the moment. That’s probably a dumb thing to say about the love but she like never sends selfies and it makes me really nervous that somehow she’s catfishing me, or at least not as pretty as she lets on but even if that’s the case shouldn’t i love her for her? Her appearance shouldn’t have anything to dk with it. Idk ive been stressed since my testosterone is kicking back in. Not even sure im still trans tbh like. I think i just need to accept my body because I doubt ill ever be happy with it im just hyper fixated on my appearance when i should be worried about more important things. I feel dull, like im getting dumber, slower. Gross.