A Dictionary of Words

Facade: An outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality.

Sometimes I feel like I dont wanna show any other emotion (sadness, anger, etc.) because I’m scared to do so. I hate feeling weak and tired, but I dont want to worry anyone. This probably sounds very.. attention grabbing, but I just feel like I’m at my breaking point. I seriously want all my friends to be happy, and I guess my sense of happiness is keeping everyone else happy? But sometimes I can never lift the moods of other people, and it just makes me not worthy?

And what do I do when some says, “How are you doing?”

What, do I go and say “I’m feeling shitty.”

Because, I dont have a reason why I feel bad. 

I cant muster up any words in order to express feelings.

I always feel like I have something to prove to people, and honestly it feels like I’m annoying people with that mindset. Annoying people in a joking way is fine, but I really don’t like annoying anyone due to some recent events in my household that I’d rather not share online. 

I know I’m a chatterbox, and I love speaking my mind, or talking with people with similar interests as I, but sometimes I hate having difficult conversations. It scares me, it makes me think of things I dont like to think about. Past experiences has always made conversing a little more challenging than normal. It makes me feel vulnerable.

I’ll say it here, I HATE conflict, that is one of the many reasons why I absolutely hate conversations about certain topics.

I’m scared to talk about my feelings, scared to talk about life in general, my life. I usually forget things really quickly and I get yelled a lot or shamed for that. I’m scared about change, what the future may bring is quite exciting, but if nobody is there with me, is it all that exciting? I’m scared of so many things I cant even list because that would make this blog entry horribly long.

I chose this word because it feels like me, hiding my thoughts and things away from people, cause I’m scared of what really lies beyond my personality.

Hey, I’m most definitely going to re-read this and think, “Damn, what was I thinking?”

I dont know, I just needed to say something; speak my mind. I guess.