[ VENT !! ] having an existential crisis lmao

i hate my parents so much , yet i still love them.

i feel so disgusting. how could i love such horrible people ?? they were abusive and mentally draining. not to mention i've been sa'd by my own step dad more than TWICE.

40 days ago i got kicked out and my phone got taken away because apparently i was 'misbehaving' and that i should go to a boarding school. my grandparents took me in and were asbolutely against the idea.

this may sound childish but there's more to this than you'd have thought. i'm not just ranting because i want my phone back but rather simply because i'm slowly losing contact with mt friends and lost some of my important data on that god damn phone.

and while my parents were at it , they were pretty big liars too. just not so good. they were quite the manipulative kind and would keep drilling the most psychopathic ideas into my siblings heads. i can't believe that they'd be like this. first off my fucking MOM gave birth to me after having sex with a man he later divorced and started hating then went on to NOT listen to my grandma's warnings when she planned to move AND abandon me with my grandparents back when i was like 2 or 3. THEN , she comes crawling back to escape her abusive partner who impregnated her THREE FUCKING TIMES. she literally already knew what was gonna happen and she STILL didn't listen. and she would never wanna admit that she's wrong which makes this situation even worse.

i don't know why my step dad loves her and trusts her so much , she's clearly the most manipulative excuse of a disgrace and liar.

i'm so ashamed to have such disgraceful and irresponsible parents.

"you're always on your phone" BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET ME GO OUT TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS OR YOU ?? WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ??!!!?!

"your mind has been corrupted because of these bad things you see on the internet." now you're just gaslighting me. do you FUCKING THINK THAT THIS IS HEALTHY ?? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHATD RIGHT AND WRONG ???!?!? WHAT KINDA MENTAL ILLNESS DO YOU FUCKING HAVE ?? WHAT ARE YOU ?? A DOG ?!?!?!?!??

sometimes i wish i hadn't ever been born at all , my biological parents never truly loved me in the first place. i was just the spitting image of a reminder of their past mistake.

it's all my mom's fault , she's fucking insane and reckless . . . i can't live anymore.

she dropped me out of highschool on my FIRST year. it hadn't even been half a year and she already dropped me out AND KICKED ME OUT WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSIONS . . .

i was just fine back then at school , while my school life was close to perfection , it still had it's own flaws.

especially when i suddenly got transferred to one of the lowest classes in the grade without the teachers even making an examination.

and when i became a school prefect everybody became so judgmental of me , no matter how hard i try , they always tick me off. they never learn. they just wanna see me get mad while they misbehave.

but they themselves don't even know what i go through at home. i was literally a hikikomori , to say the least.

why is it so hard to respect someone ? even if it was just for one second for them to be quiet i'd be happy , grateful even.

no matter how much i contribute or try , nobody would see my efforts as enough. and even i myself have started to see it that way. even if my efforts were enough i'd still feel disappointment in me. because i know i can do better and i have to be more than enough. so i overwork myself , building up a fake dumb and childish immature persona so others would think of me as an entirely different person.

but's it's a pain in the ass because nobody would even want to talk to me without saying anything hurtful , and like how the others would always do : which is insult them back and i did. and then those people would secretly start hating me behind my back , spreading shit and rumours about me.

i forgot what it felt like to be loved and respected.

while i may seem tough on the outside , deep down in my hollow empty body i'm nothing but an emptiness of void.

i always wondered what it felt like to have a goal in life , i never really had a proper goal in life.

i still keep clinging onto that last branch of hope , just because i can. and because i will. not necessarily but just . . . because i can. with no proper objective in life , i'll still cling onto that last branch of hope for me.

but alas , my life was already over before it even started.

i'm a high school drop out at just the age of 12 , i haven't even celebrated my birthday yet , how could life be so harsh on me ? what did i do in my past life to deserve such a punishment like this ??

i want to kms