My experience with severe anxiety this summer

Before I start, I would just like to say that this is not one of those "aw shucks I have anxiety" moments. To me, this is far more serious. This is one of the worse points in my life, and I would like to just get it out there to someone. This definitely isn't the place to do it, especially with the types of people that come to this website, but I'm doing it anyways.

This summer, I have hit one of the worst points in my life, mainly due to my anxiety. As the summer started, I had many friends who would offer to hang out. Little did I know this would come to an end for a reason I still do not know. Many people just stopped talking to me, so I felt it was time to re-evaluate myself. I took some time to work non myself and even then, people still left. It made me feel like I had done something wrong. I knew that my anxiety would continue to get worse due to the fact that I was taken off my medication, but I did not think it would get this bad. This summer I cut down on the things I didn't find joy in and tried a lot of new things. This would be a big mistake. I used to love trying new things, but something had changed because I no longer felt comfortable In new places or trying something new. Even the things I once found happiness doing seemed terrifying. A huge part of this was participating in my local theater program, usually I would have a lot of fun but this year I took some time off from theater to go to an arts program, which would put me behind in theater. Now that our show is in two days, I feel very unprepared because of my time off. It hasn't been something I could just put off either, because no matter how hard I try to get rid of the feeling, it is always there. It has gotten to the point where it has even become dangerous to be in that sort of environment anymore. Even if it is something I love doing. As of right now, I can't sleep. I haven't slept for more than two hours within the past four days. I wish I could sleep, but my brain seems to be against it. I close my eyes to find that all of my issues continue to follow me, even if I try to use sleep as a way to escape them, it no longer works. While these are just some small issues in my life that add to the terrible thoughts I am having, they still really get to me. I wish I could fully express the feeling or at least be able to put it into words, but I honestly can't describe it. I hate this constant paranoia and anxiousness for ruining my life. I've tried for so long to find ways to get better, but nothing seems to help. While I also tried to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life, I can't seem to find something I will stick with and enjoy, so as I start pointing my life in a certain direction I only feel worse. It is a constant struggle and I know that it will never fully go away. I only wish that it would get better, and I wish I could sleep at night knowing I might be okay.