17th July 2023

17th July 2023

Yesterday,

I cried for the first time infront of her. with her back against me as she faces the corner and i sit my face on her back, im thinking the entire time that i cant cry, i dont know if i want to, i dont know if ill let myself, i know its good to but nothing will come out if i try to force it out.

after i tried to stop her from digging her nails into her back, she continues to scream at me. kicking my nude body off the bed i look downwards letting my vision blur to escape my situation. she jumps off her bed putting her sweater back on sitting herself into the corner, i search the room for my shorts then place myself behing her leaning my head on her back as she fidgets and throws forgotten trinkets that sat in her room.

With my head resting on her warm back i feel like crying. i fantasise about her turning around to comfort and hug me, to apologise about hitting and screaming at me. it plays repeats in my head over and over again, my breathing becomes louder as i feel her turn to face me placing her hand on my knee.

i keep my head down as she put her arms on my shoulders, losing my breath i begin to cry. inbetween my breathes i lower my head even more resting it in her lap.

"Charlie whats wrong? can u look up at me?"

"No"

"why not"

"Im really comfortable right now"

She rubs my head, her nails parting the hairs on the back of my head.

Why does she love me, if i make her cry and sob, digging at her back with her nails. It was my fault she did that, i caused her to cry and sob and hit me. maybe i deserved getting hit. I have thoughts about hurting myself so she knows how i feel when she ignores me, screams at me.

"Im sorry Charlie"

"Im just glad i could cry infront of you"

I look up at her, i know shes sorry. she knows she overreacted. We both know how bad that was, that i didnt deserve it, that shes took things too far. atleast she knows what she did was wrong, i just hope that means it will stop.

"am i atleast hot when i cry?"

she laughs. Its okay.