im unproductive but at least i do things with my friends

the only thing i did today that got me off my bed was going to church. besides that, i have done nothing. nothing important, at least. so i'm just gonna ramble on about stuff i've done and thoughts i thunk.

starting off with my main accomplishment yesterday: making a drawstring bag. i have--well, had--an orange drawstring bag, but it felt flimsy at the seams and it must've been sorta old. the fabric felt like something that might not have been fabric and it smelt like butter. i got a toasted butter bagel from dunkin donuts one day and i put it in my bag to eat when i got home (i was riding my bike so it's not like i could eat it on the way). but when i got home i discovered that there was a tear in the wrapper, so the butter leaked out and flooded my bag. everything in there was buttered up. and that's when it hit me; why don't i make a new bag? so i got out my fabric, sewing machine, and reused the cord and grommets (the piece of fabric with the grommets on it) from the old bag.

also, i wasn't alone on my pilgrimage to dunkin donuts. i was there with my friend who isn't much of a friend but he thinks we're friends, Mick. his name's not actually Mick but i'm calling him that for privacy reasons, and also because he likes motley crue. and the only reason i was there was because i had nothing else to do. i was a little hungry, and i guess i just wanted any kind of interaction no matter who it was with. Mick also wants to start a band with two other friends of his, but i'm not sure why because he's already in a band. i guess it's just for skips and giggles (my math teacher used to say that). i play bass, but what i don't tell people is that i only picked it up for the 7th grade talent show. i'm a poser. a fraud. but i played a few riffs the other day so it's not like i don't play it.

now about friends i actually consider close friends, i'm planning on going to see the barbie movie with my best friend, idk what to call them so i'll just say "best friend". we got tickets for 9:30 pm, but then my best friend said they're not allowed out at that time. which is kinda stupid but i'm not gonna argue with somebody else's dad. so my mom had to get a refund and buy new tickets. i think she got them for 10:30 am, but when i texted my best friend about it they didn't respond so idk if my mom went for it. also we're bringing my two siblings.

time to talk about some more friends. my friend who i'll call McQueen (because he's a car nerd) asked if we could hang out tomorrow, but turns out he's supposed to go to the beach. so we're just gonna hang out on tuesday. i'm not upset at all btw. that just gives me extra time to ask my other friend if he wants to come with. i'll call him Captain, because he's interested in boats and history. now, Captain has done irreparable damage to my train of thought by being the sweetest boy in the whole wide world. i've never met a boy better than him, maybe McQueen could surpass him if he could keep a conversation. but Captain is such a cutie pie! on dress down days he would come into school wearing a colonial american costume and it was always so cool. and it wasn't a costume you could buy at party city, no no no. it was a closet cosplay made of, paraphrased as he said, "church clothes and stuff from amazon". nerds are so cute i would let him talk about which boat is the best and actively listen.

it's come to the point where it has me rethinking things. i always thought i was aromantic because i never desired relationships, but now i think i just have really bad commitment issues. maybe cuz when i was little (and even sometimes today) i would get picked on with "ooooo do you like anybody???? is he your boyfriend????". that must've messed up something in my brain, but i'm past that now. 

i made Captain a mixtape of songs i liked that i thought (or hoped) he would like too. it was a little hard because he listens to frank sinatra while i listen to foo fighters. i let him listen to the chorus of sleep now in the fire by rage against the machine, and when he handed me my headphones back he said something along the lines of "i'm christian i can't be listening to this stuff". so our taste in music is very different, but luckily i know enough 60s rock and bossa nova to fill in some gaps in the mixtape. besides like, 7 songs from the 60s, there's foo fighters, nirvana, queen, and red hot chilli peppers, with some songs like no one knows - qotsa and good riddance - green day sprinkled in. then once i decide it's totally perfect i'll burn it onto a cd and give it to him. 

i'm still deciding if i want to straight up tell him or let it slow burn. on one hand, straight up telling him gets things over with. but on the other hand, slow burn would let him warm up to me first, raising my chances. i know Captain thinks i'm cool, but i don't think he considers me a close friend yet. we have a lot in common, like being weird and lacking social skills. but we're also pretty different. he's a jehovah's witness, and yeah i go to church, but i'm not super attached to my religion (i'm [supposed to be] a spiritist btw). i also consider myself punk and i dunno if that would do well with Captain's religion. i'm also non-binary and i don't know how he would feel knowing that. his friends, or the people i've seen him talk to at least, are "the boys" kind of people and i don't know if it rubs off on him. he's definitely a kind person but it's in the back of my mind, yknow? i just want to get to know him for now, then i'll really be a man and do something.

anyways, i gotta go to bed now. a whole day of doing nothing but thinking. i guess i'll deal with the Captain situation tomorrow.