it's the weekend

it's 1.51am rn where i am at and i need to sleep because if i don't sleep then the likelihood of me getting sick is higher because i'm on the verge if sickness. i don't want to sleep yet. i'm still trying to read something and i don't want the day to end and i feel like if i sleep i lose.

i think i'm in a bad place mental health wise because my paranoia's been up recently and it's not a good thing. i always feel anxious and scared with regard to ny surroundigns to the point that i even am paranoid around my siblings. i think i'm just stressed though. i really want to quit school.

i want to quit school so bad. i never wanted to continue my postgrad studies but i feel like with my degree, if i don't get a postgrad then the past four years will all be for naught. but i know i'm not doing good here because i just know the professor assigned to me graded me badly during this meeting. i wish i was better. i'm terrified of the future. so so terrified. i want more time. a little more time to be free.

i feel bad too. my sister had a dream where i "disappeared" from the family and it kind of terrified me and it terrified my sister so i went home right away after class but my sister is just spending all her time downstairs. it hurts me more than i would like to admit. maybe i should really disappear.