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For the first time in my entire life, I'm going to see a therapist today. Now, that might sound kind of dumb, a lot of people see therapists every day, but I'm still super nervous. I still don't fully understand what I should be talking about, how it's going to work, how personal it should get, ect. But most of all, I'm worried about talking about being trans.
I'm blessed with an eternally supportive family, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. The reason I'm going to this meeting is because they want to get me the support I need to further my transition (notably to ask for hormones, I guess). I'm eternally grateful for the privilege that I have to be able to be given this opportunity. But the more today approached, the more nervous I've been getting.
When before, my transness was always defined by how much I hated myself, I've grown a lot over the years and I don't feel such intense vitriol towards myself anymore. I don't know if hormones are the way to go for me. I'm strangely content with myself now, even if I don't "pass". Most of the things I'd really want to change could probably mostly be adjusted without the need for hormones, like voice training or a haircut or makeup or whatever.
While there are effects of hormones that I wouldn't mind, I think I've come to the realization that they're not a need, if that makes sense. I guess a therapist is for talking these things out with though. Honestly it doesn't really help my whole mental state that I've become more and more okay with being "seen" as a girl just as much as a guy. I can't tell if that's a side effect of me feeling comfortable in my genderfluidity and my body or if it signifies a change in my identity... This is all really complex and I don't really know how to tackle it.
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Lcvesick
It's not stupid to be nervous about starting therapy! I've been in therapy on and off basically my whole life and it can still be pretty nerve wracking starting with a new therapist. It's a process that requires you to be trusting enough to be vulnerable with a stranger and look inward at experiences and feelings that can be complicated. It is inherently uncomfortable to some degree, but it can also be really beneficial.
It's also not uncommon to feel unsure about what the next step in your transition is and when it's done or if it'll ever be done. Take therapy at your own pace obviously, but I definitely think talking it out and getting an outside perspective trained in guiding you through your feelings will help figure out where the line is. I've also always found it helpful to talk about these feelings in trans spaces because a lot of other people have worked through this stuff and could also provide helpful insight. There's lots of people who share their stories, including people who do pursue medical transition and people who stop at social transition and presentation. And it's never too late to experiment! Switching up your clothes, hair, doing vocal training, etc. are all good ideas. Before I went on T I looked at all the permanent and nonpermanent changes caused by T and I considered which ones I definitely wanted, which ones I didn't really care about, and which ones I wasn't particularly fond of, and additionally I considered whether the ones I didn't like were permanent and if I felt like the good ones were worth the bad ones. Experimenting with the temporary on your own can help put into perspective what you might want from HRT and how much you want it. I hope you'll be able to work out what fits best for you! :)
Thank you so much for your reassurance! I went and it was not as bad as I thought, I see how it could really do some good for me. I'm glad you gave your input on transition and stuff, I guess I haven't really taken time to think about what I really want out of it, so your comment was really insightful! Seeking out others' experience could definitely do me some good and help me figure things out. Thank you for your care :)
by ElkCX ☘︎; ; Report
I'm glad that went well for you and I could shed some insight :))
by Lcvesick; ; Report
ichika ★
Going to a therapist, even when you dont feel like you need the hormones anymore, is a great thing! theyre trained on how to talk so your therapist will guide you through the session. Most first sessions are always about talking about your goals, currents struggles and mostly your past. Its a great thing that you feel comfortable in yourself now and that you dont feel like you need hormones to pass; maybe youre the type of person that doesnt define themselves by gender but just are. thats who id like to be at least lmao. good luck with your transition and appointment!
I went to the first session, and it was pretty much exactly how you described it! Definitely way less stressful than I was expecting, and talking about myself came pretty easily. I do find a certain comfort in the idea of just "being" and less specific labelling, so I guess its just a question of figuring out what my goals are atp and what I'm looking for in the future. Thank you for your reassurance and input :)
by ElkCX ☘︎; ; Report
yew and im glad it went well! honestly im healous of how secure you are with your gender identity im personally so confused right now
wish u lots of luck figuring things out!
by ichika ★; ; Report
Things should come by with time for you too! I wish you the best of luck figuring it out!! These things always take absurd amounts of time anyways ^^
by ElkCX ☘︎; ; Report