Enough

I look at her as I feel the tears form, feel the way my throat closes up, I  watch as she tries to reach out, I flinch away but she persists arms still reaching for me so I take a step back, then two, then three until she finally stopped, letting her arms fall to the side

"At least you did your best" she says as she smiles and lifts her arms up once again, spreading her arms as she tries to get me to a hug but I shiver as I see that, memories resurface in my mind of her telling me that 'I could've done so much more, but I didn't'

"But I didn't" I say as I grip the hem of my shirt  and look at her, hoping that my eyes are enough to show how much pain she's caused me, and how much she's contributed to shape me to who I am now shape me to be someone she doesn't give time to understand and doesn't give care to ask

cause I knew that no matter how much I tried, I wouldn't be able to say the words because everybody says I shouldn't, I cant. so now the words always end up at the back of my throat, so I take yet another step back shaking my head not talking afraid that I might accidentally say something I couldn't

"You're right" she says as she lets her arms fall to the side looks at me, the same way she did all those other times, and for some reason I'm shocked, I should've expected this but I didn't, why. I ask myself as my eyes widen and I stare at her horrified

"You could've done better" she states plainly, as she fixes her posture, standing straight as she looks at me, being the way she is when no ones looking and I want to scream, shake her, go to her, pull my hair out, I want to cry.

but I do none of that, I stare as once more as she makes me feel like  I am nothing more to her than someone who she can show off to people, she looks at me her eyes full of disappointment and once again I feel like shit

I want to go to her and assure her I could be better, that this isn't me, that I deserve better than this, talk to her and tell her I will be better but I shouldn't, I cant

I stand there as she walks away, I watch as she leaves, my mind screams for me to move, run to her tell her I can be her daughter, I can be what she wants me to be, i can raise my grades, act the way she wants me to, change everything about me just to see her proud of me

and I scream back "it will never be enough!"

"I will never be good enough" 

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important nore this isnt like a vent thingy, i saw a prompt on tiktok and ran with it