Quitting Bad Habits

TW: SH, Addiction, Anxiety

hi. my name is alistair, and this is my first entry. 

two weeks ago, i threw something away that meant a lot to me. it should not have meant as much as it did, but unfortunately, i was addicted to that thing. by the trigger warnings, im sure you can tell what that thing is.

i am two weeks clean, and im here to talk about what quitting is like. the whollleeee process. the good and the bad.

keep in mind that everyone is different, and if you are considering quitting self harm (and you should), then remember that you may not experience this the same way i do. it may be easier for you, or it may be a lot harder.

day #1:

i had a panic attack about 12 minutes after throwing away my razor. im surprised i didn't cry right then and there on the spot. i think the reason why i didn't immediately break down was because i didn't fully process that i threw it away and i wouldn't be able to get it back. 

i had two panic attacks that day, and my gf comforted me for both of them. thank you, J<3

i did not get a lot of sleep, as you can imagine. i will admit that I did dig my nails and i picked at my skin a lot, but i never bled.

day #2: i felt like i usually do in a crash after a manic episode. this may have been harder for me because i have bipolar and my mood swings are terrible. i did not accomplish anything on day 2, and the next 7ish days after day 2 were almost exactly the same.

skip

day #9: i finally started feeling a little better, and i think the reason for this was because i started to feel manic. although i felt hyper and motivated because i was manic, i still felt terrible, so it led to extreme irritability and i ended up back in bed after a couple hours because everything was too stressful. i tried to make myself bleed, fortunately it did not work. my next few days were back to being like day #2

skip

day #12: i finally started actually feeling better. i realized that my mood was elevated because i was not feeling those urges to sh as strongly as before. i got things done. i actually got out of bed and showered, washed my hair, did my makeup, and went to a teen center to hang out with my friends. i had a good day

day #13 (yesterday): i didn't do a lot yesterday. i think day 13 wore me out. i wasn't as ready to socialize as i thought i was. i still got out of bed and ate and what not, but i wish i had done more.

day #14 (today): it is currently 20h29 (8:29) as i write this. i am feeling okay. not great, but okay. i made egg sandwiches today and i played guitar a little. im proud of me. 

if you're considering quitting self harm, do it. the first week or so will be hell, but after that, you'll feel better. you got this. 

no

WE got this

❤️

-alistair.