you're just so fucking right

yeah

ut hurts to admit 

but of course you're right. 

I am literally a fuckin loser that never lived anything for himself, just trying to impress other people a way or another. The fact that even this entry is a proof of me telling how much i'm different is a fucking proof.

I tried so many way and so many things but i can't stop at all, therapy is useless and i think it actuallly even get it worse (i'm going to therapy oooooo how deep is the boy), this is just insane. Everything I do is insane since everything i do is a on purpose to be different it's endless

The thing is i talked about boring and interesting people in the last entry before editing it in my shame, but things rarely ends good with the "interesting" ones, for the only reason they can easily see through my game at some point.
Of course they hate it, and by "it" i mean my whole self. Nevertheless the others really think i'm different, because, idk maybe they are naive? or lazy? I have no fucking idea 

Since i'm constantly thinking about being different and being loved for that, i try to be nice to people. As much as I can, sometimes too much and it leads to chaos. But these past few days were so confusing i didnt fucking know who i was anymore and i was so vulnerable i wanted to BE a danger. I made a fucking mess.

I have no reason to live 

No one to llive for and especially not myself

And now i moreover live with the guilt of being a fucking douchebag because I tried to be something different for once. This, is a matter of fact. I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE, and since a lot of humans are I ofc get no fucking satisfaction for being one. I like being nice, at least i likED it. 

Now there's the whole "her" situation . Damn i'm throwing up at the moment because of the shame and the guilt I feel. I would like you to trust me when I say i'm honest, but i know you wouldnt . Besides being honest is the only thing I can do right, it just depends of what my reality is, and whatever it is it sucks. Sorry for calling you by what you are going through. I was obsessed once again with trying to understand who you really were to help you, which of course i did not only failed but even got it worse.    I'm sorry you got to meet me.    I wish I could show you how honest I am, and how rooted this is inside of me . But you would be right to not trust me after all I did.






In the end, I'm giving myself a few months to sleep on it. If it passes, or if i find someone to dedicate my life to, it's for the better.
Other wise i will Kill myself and try not to mess my death