rant/vent post abt myself

this is the first genuine post i'm makin on this website and probably the last so bear with me i want it out of my system.

so almost 2 years ago i was with a girl that was probably the love of my life. we weren't really dating, more just friends with benefits. but that still meant a lot to me personally. there were some problems with it. some problems i kinda ignored or passed off because i hated thinkin about them. she attempted to cut the thing off once, i tried to comply but felt like i couldn't handle it very well. she then allowed the thing to continue for a few months more, which in hindsight was probably a huge mistake, because i got too codependent. i got too comfortable with her, i got too attached. and in the end when she cut it off for good. i probably lost myself a little. i wasn't angry, but it felt like this depression would wash over me every time i thought about it, which was a lot. and i constantly talked about it. so much that she couldn't take it anymore and she just left. saying she needed a break from me. when i tried to apologize it didn't go so well. she bombarded me with everything that she hated about me and i couldn't help but know that it was completely my fault. all of it. after she stormed out i felt more alone than i ever did. this was a friend that i knew and loved for about 4 years and to see them just so angry at me and no sign of me ever being able to fix this. it broke me. for about 2 months i felt like the only thing i could think about was how i had just lost probably the most important person in my life. and the worst part? it was all my fault. no one else to put the blame on but me. the friend group i was in before hand? gone. i felt like i had no one. of course i eventually made new friends but when i apologized to her a second time 2 months after the previous one. well, it was better, but i still felt like shit after it. i was allowed to talk to her still but it was in a group chat with 2 other people. i didn't protest against it, it was only fair that she wouldn't be talking to me 1 on 1 anymore. but there's still so much i want to say to her alone because it just feels too personal to be shared with anyone else. the times i have talked in that gc i never was open. i didn't talk about any of my problems, what i was doing was trying to rebuild that friendship that i had broken with those 3 people. one of the other 2 still had faith that i could rebuild myself, and i appreciate him for believing that i can be better. unfortunately, last time i talked in that gc was December 2022. and last time i talked to that other friend was in February. i want to say something to them still but I just can't bring myself to, what would i even say? that i'm not completely over it and still a little depressed over it even though she's moved on? i'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what they want to hear. i've considered just cutting communication with them completely, to see if that would help, but the more i thought about it, the worse that thought got. i don't want to just leave something so important to me behind. i still don't know what to do. yeah i still think about her, yeah i still cry about it sometimes. i really wish i could just go back to 2-3 years ago and just, not become fwb with her. if none of that happened i wouldn't even be in the position i'm in today. everything hurts when i think about it, it's caused me to not be very open with people all the time, and i'm convinced that people are just gonna ignore this and move on, which is understandable, it's my problem, why should others care?

sorry for the monster post if you actually sat down to read all of that. this is probably the last time i'll ever post something like this on here.