us or we

i feel numb, i know you can read this and im not sure how i feel about it. i feel numb and i know itll be gone soon and with that ill feel embarrassed and foolish for ever feeling this way. as if the moment my humors change so does my understanding, then even i wont understand myself and ill be alone besides me again. im not me. but i am and i know that but sometimes im just not me, and sometimes its tiring not just for me. and nobody should endure that, not even me. nobody deserves it, its tiring and you have the choice to not. i dont know if i do but that is what i tell myself when i am myself. when im not, im not quite sure what i tell myself.

when my feelings come again everything will be washed away and i can be loved again, i can love again, i can stop centering on myself becoming more and more absorbed with me. i feel selfish, i dont like typing "i." i feel manipulative, you dont deserve to have to read this "i." "i" shouldnt have an impact on you, i should. "i" should be kept to myself, i shouldnt. "i" can only be expressed in a moment of "myself" that i can barely begin to explain to you because all that comes out are excuses. "i" am simply not myself, but thats a lie. i am a jumbled mess of "i" and myself and it feels as though "im", im not making enough space for you.

"im" im a liability to you, "im" im a thing that should be left in the past, a thing you wasted your time on rekindling. and as you grew, "i" i could not catch up fast enough. i am content with being your fertilizer, "i" am not. "i" i dont know. we are lost until the tide returns again.

after writing i am myself again