070523 - today i pretended to be someone i wasn’t

You hand me a Bud Light when I arrive and I again can’t muster the strength to tell you I don’t like the taste of beer. As I sit with you in your shitty patio furniture and sip from the bottle, I begin to think that maybe it won’t be so bad this time around, but I don’t know if i mean the beer or you and I. Just like every time we’ve done this before now. I can’t even fathom why I don’t tell you that i hate the taste of beer, but maybe it’s just my poor excuse to be able to sit down and talk with you about absolutely nothing for another evening. Maybe i’m just too afraid that whatever this is will end once I do. Who cares. I don’t think you have enough heart to tell me to fuck off and leave you alone, or if you have a heart at all. I don’t think I care. I want you in full, from every small mistake to every colossal fuck-up you make. Heart or not. I want you to give it all to me so I can give you all of mine in turn. But I don’t say this to you. I never will. Instead i will sip the beer I hate and talk to the man I love and when I get home i will throw it all up and next week it will happen again.