I been on anxiety medication for the span of 2-3 weeks so far and as of recently my body has reached a tolerance, When I was on it i had less thoughts and even if they do I felt a detachment of my thoughts and let go by like a leaf on a river. I would have sparing thoughts of suicidal ideations, the depression started to creep up and I went to an old habit of thrill seeking to feel something. 

my mind has been preoccupied with anxiety and panic attacks that its been so long that when I felt depression that I felt a combination of both depression nostalgia , I recalled memories that were tied to that feeling, I remember how far back it went, sitting alone crying in the benches of elementary school, crying in dark in my bedroom of my USB mp3 player and cheap candy skull earbuds. Feeling alienated or isolated among my peers, i recall late October brisk mornings walks to school, where the grass was wet, the gloomy over cast sky of the morning, dark blue afternoons and dreary clouds where the air was still, the silhouettes of leafless trees. i recalled how foreign and nebulous these feelings were because I didn’t had the language or the emotional awareness/intelligence to identify them and feel them. 

 but after awhile the withdrawal of the medication hit hard. I had concerning intrusive thoughts of suicide that worried me a lot. I watched the good, the bad and ugly in dark of my bedroom (which was enjoyable) but I feel like I was on the cusp of binging movies for escapism. I stood in my bedroom feeling like the world around me felt like videogame rigging software. I sat underneath the towering shower head and gradually turned the water cold. I was afraid that i was gonna have another panic attack, instead of my entire body feeling cold and numb I felt it in my arms but it subtle. I felt my feelings for once, this felt like my only accomplishment I've had this year. 

i asked Chat GPT if there was a word that described nostalgia and depression the closest is a  (Portuguese) called Saudade - A deep emotional state of longing, melancholy, and nostalgia. it is the feeling of being currently depressed while also reminiscing past depressive episodes.