weird state

I am living in a weird state at the moment? And ive been saving my thoughts for a journal entry in a nice new notebook, but these thoughts feel so well trodden i think i need to write them somewhere old. Like a half finished document from schoolwork i never did, or in one of those 17 journals i bough for cheap as fuck from TK MAXX when i was maybe 15. 

So. so so so. I have a friend who i am beginning to adore? Beginning to harbor a horrific fondness for. Horrific because its unnameable, or maybe nameable but i dont want to name it at all. Not even a little.

He’s tall with nice hands and i want him to hug me as tight as i hug him but he just. Wont. and his laugh is so good and makes me feel warm in the space between my bottom set of ribs and hes so loud and annoying and im insecure as fuck in public and he just ISNT and it both scares me and puts me in a mild state of awe. And ive told him so much about me and still barely anything.

And he doesnt date and historically hasnt apparently bc hes in the closet and for good reasons. And we spoke once about how dating feels weird in a carpark drunk as shit sharing chips and cheese and he said he also feels weird dating for that exact reason. And he sits in carparks with me fairly often to watch the foxes run around. And i thought he and another friend (sweetest girl alive today, stunning) were dating at first but when i asked he seemed shocked. But they hang out all the time and im not stupid as to why that irks me but i dont wanna talk about that.

And he has spotty skin and a lovely jawline and warm eyes and stupid cute funky clothes and humour and walks a lot but will slow down for me and sends long as fuck voice messages when he likes something and listens to all the ones i send in return and we have plans to do and learn so many stupid things and . and. And. 

Im not sure if its anything, really. Im not sure and im scared ill leave it too long or do what i usually do and get him together with someone and rip my heart out in servitude forever like last time. I want his body to crush me into a soft surface, and not in a weird dirty way or anything i just want him near. It also scares the shit out of me. I wanna grab his arm and drag him places. Hes got an interview for channel 4 tomorrow (or later today, its almost 2am) and hes going places. God hes already graduated! He’s going to leave me behind and for good fuckin reason. We met a little too late but also maybe at the right time? He falls in and out of conversation when we used to talk constantly. 

I forced feelings at first like i usually do ofc. Then it went away, now its back different. I want i want i want . i dont know. ugh