Omg I love it when someone actually appreciates you infodumping on them hjjdhskjhdflkjshgl

I literally only have one singular friend and for a while they've been taking a break from everyone and everything to focus on their mental health so I was also taking that time to focus on improving myself and my mental health. They're finally back though!! We got to talk yesterday and we stayed up while I showed them the entirety of Generation Loss and all the secrets and theories and behind-the-scenes stuff and spammed them with cool memes and edits about it. Then it eventually devolved into me doing the exact same shit but about Welcome Home instead lol. The discord call lasted 12 HOURS I'm literally the most annoying person on Earth /lh /j. It's always so weird when I get into stuff like that with them specifically because I'm so used to what happens when I do that with pretty much anyone else. I start to get excited and forget that I'm usually "too much" and I almost never realize until after the person I'm talking to has been bored of me for several minutes so I've started to feel discouraged about it and try harder to catch myself doing it. So then when I do it with them it's like whiplash because I start to catch myself and then I feel like I should stop but they never think it's too much and they actually really like it. I end up getting embarrassed anyway because I'm super not used to people not finding this annoying despite us having been friends for years now. It feels so unbelievably relieving and awesome to have someone who doesn't just tolerate me but actually WANTS to hear me go off about my interests even when I start to get really loud and my tangents go all over the place in no organized fashion and I never shut up. Holding it in almost feels painful and I don't have anyone else who enjoys it so I usually just sit with that discomfort and it makes me so sad to not be able to share that joy with someone. On the flip side, when I DO have someone to share that joy with it makes my happiness multiply by like 100 million, it is easily the most intoxicating feeling ever for me. Idk why my brain's just wired that way like there's nothing better than being able to make someone else happy by sharing the things that make me happy and knowing that both of us are passionate about this thing and it's something that we've now bonded over. My mom slightly tolerates this, mostly I feel like it's because she's my mom and she's just being a mom yknow, but the reason I still do it is because we do actually have similar interests and I know that she does also do it because she enjoys the things I show her. However, with her I always have to tone down the obsession a lot. Most of the time I just have her play games (or watch me play if it's horror cuz she's super easily scared) and then I just let her have that experience because the moment I start to talk in-depth about my interests I go over the top. I have sometimes caught myself going over the top with her and she's nice (and also my mom lol) so she doesn't say anything about it but I can tell from her face (eventually) and then I shut up. I always feel bad though, you'd think having experienced this for so long I'd get better at telling when someone wants me to stop talking like immediately but I feel like I always notice it like at least 15 minutes too late. If my brain understands the signs why doesn't it catch them sooner? Brains are so weird. But that's kinda how I am with most of my masking skills. Maybe it takes so long to process these things because I'm processing them manually instead of just knowing instinctually. Because it took most of my childhood to even figure out the signs in the first place since no one ever tells you what you're doing wrong, they just get mad that you don't already know you're doing it wrong. Shit is exhausting. It's really nice to have one person that I don't have to mask around. I'm hoping having that environment will help with figuring out how to stop and start masking at complete will. It's surprising how hard it is to stop masking even when you know that you don't have to mask and that you don't want to mask. It's like my brain isn't really mine. I guess it's always been that way though because there's many aspects in which our brains control us rather than the other way around.