i will be sad until i die

i'm a 23 year old living in downtown denver and i legitimately do not have a will to live. contacting a therapist on my own is impossible and every medication i've been on the past three years hasn't helped. i can't shower more than once or twice a week, i wake up at 4pm every day, i got fired from my most recent job (of 32!) because of my mental illness (my fault, lack of emotional regulation) and nowhere is hiring... i have no friends, i'm an ex coke addict dating a recovering alcoholic who i love more than anything, but it's hard to go out when most of the nightlife involves drinking and he works 45 hours a week. 

my siblings are largely the reason i keep trying to get better, if it wasn't for them i would probably not be here [so don't tell me to kms because i won't lol]. every day i feel nothing or i'm hitting my head against my wall. nothing brings me joy and i don't have the willpower to try anything new. i don't know what the purpose of life is without love; i love my partner, but he can't be the only person in my life... i fear it will never get better than it's already been. and i'm aware that to most this seems largely inconsequential, that many people have it worse than i do, and that i've been worse off myself; depression is kicking my fucking ass, man. 

it is so selfish to not want to live, but so hard to try when every day is the same as before.

[[screaming eternally into the void]]