anxiety suxx

first actual post, I've been struggling a lot...

my anxiety has always been something that sort of ruins my life in a way (dramatic, I know) but this year has been the worst. I never really had a big goal for myself to make friends so I was always silent in my classes and not a lot of people really KNEW me, so now that I've graduated it feels melancholy. Only halfway maybe thru this year (my senior year) I made it a big goal to make friends and actually talk to people and I actually made progress! I just wish I had started a little earlier. My anxiety makes it so I only picture the worst outcome imaginable for me and makes it so I just flat out can't talk or do anything I want to do/say. But at graduation and the last day of school I kinda just did whatever I wanted and said whatever I wanted to say and people responded positively and nothing awful or terrible happened like my head said would. So I just did all that worrying for 4 years (more like 2- F U COVID) of high school for nothing. Kinda sucks. 

Thing is is that I was such a talkative kid in elementary school. I look back on elementary school and think that I had a lot of friends but now that I really had a chance to think about it I don't think a whole lot of people liked me... which I don't really care cause it was elementary school and now im done with the public school system so who cares anyway but- idk. I just really wish I could talk to people and make connections easier. :/

that's all. might make another post later?? idk. been feeling very existential and wanna let it out into the void. thanks for reading!