life again #2

Today has been not the best I suppose, it could be worse so I'm not going to complain much. Today I did basically nothing at all as usual but I guess it affects me every time. I feel lonely today, I didn't talk much with anybody and the short time that I did talk to people it didn't really seem meaningful or it didn't really seem like anybody cared.

My head hurts a lot, part of me wants to just sleep everything off and say maybe tomorrow will be a better day or maybe later will go differently, but the other part of me wants to break down and cry while ripping everything apart. It's probably not that serious but it affects me a lot. 

I feel, stressed, annoyed, upset and sad all at the same time. Maybe I'll just eat something and go to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if anybody ever misses me when I'm gone or unresponsive for long periods of time, but when I come back everything's usually the exact same.

A lot of times I feel casted to the shadows or just put aside or forgotten, I feel like I'm not really important to anyone or that important in anybody's lives. I feel like an extra or a side character in a world of main characters or side characters that actually have a purpose or actually have a meaningful life. I don't feel important in my own life I guess. 

Sometimes I wanna know what it would feel like to have all the attention on me and have everyone admire me, have everyone appreciate me and see how good I can be. I hate feeling like everyone just has to be better than me and I'll never be as good or be as worthy or amount to anything like everybody else. I'm always the inferior one and it hurts tbh, to be casted to the shadows and never having a chance to be in the light.

Maybe it wasn't meant for me but it's okay, at least i'm living right? It kinda makes me feel a certain way when people like to talk about the bad things in their life yet they have a bunch of opportunities that I'd never get in a million years. When anybody says "oh you're so lucky" when one thing goes my way I look at them and think "what are you even talking about?" I get the bare minimum and suddenly im the lucky one but they have a lot more so I don't get it.

Anyways I didn't mean to just sit here and complain, that was kinda stupid. I told myself that if I ever needed to vent or rant I'd just go to my s/o but I guess thats not as easy as I thought because I don't wanna bother him or annoy him.

but once again 

im living <3