heat is more than the sun...

End of June is near... I have had an intensive, reflective birthday month. 

I was supposed to be born June 18th, instead I was born on a more powerful day, 

Juneteenth right at midnight. I took my sweet time coming onto this earthly plane of existence.

I haven't stopped taking my time since. What's the rush??

Earthly seasons change and have their own due course. Why not our mind, body, and soul as well?

Experiencing grief, mourning my mom's unstable mental health/living conditions, chronic stress (micro-aggressions can STEP OFF), separation anxiety from my siblings, my insanely romantic December romance w/ Kaitlyn coming to a HALT. About a year ago but if you're a gay woman and you lose someone you are CRAZYYY about, you know what I'm trying to get at! 

I miss her more than carne asada tacos from Sanchez's food truck. UUuunhhh!

I've been Hella broke, have been only eating for free, at my 2 restaurant gigs. Some occasional $4 loaf of bread to make amazing toast with any tea I have on stock. Sometimes, more rarely, sausage w/ french toast if I can spare $20-30. WHY IS FOOD SO EXPENSIVE!???

 It's A LOT. Plus, I started talking to my Haitian father only a few months ago. 

None of this is what truly HURT me though. It's been me *Taylor S. singing*   'hi, I'm the problem it's me...'

What I'm getting at is, as 'unfair' everything has seemed to be I cannot let myself down by only 

focusing on the same shadows guiding me to focus on the light. Everything that has ever happened to me is for MY GAIN. Now mind you I haven't fully embraced this, I'm still learning, accepting, breathing, pacing, waiting... UHG.

The Results? I don't know anymore to be really frank. What I do know is that my life continues to become more exciting as long as I give myself grace and allow change whether I am ready or not.

I want to be here. Even when the rampant, intrusive thoughts I experience on the daily threaten to kill me off. Even when my chest is tighter than normal, on days where my messy home has out-messied my head.

As brutal as life can get, it's all temporary. 

The beauty marks in my life so far:

* I accomplished my very own and 1st apartment in Oct. of last year.

* Before mom relapsed, she got to see my apartment and told me how proud she is of me, I got to cook for her for the first time in a year, I got to host my mom in MY home for the 1st time ever. 

* Dolly, my baby blue-white cruiser bike gifted to me by my step-in mom Cindy's sister Cathy <3

biking has definitely been a part of saving bits of my sanity.

*The self-care/spa time I established on my 25th birthday was really NEEDED. THE FIT??!!<333

*Now, I am on my way very soon to visit my mom's side of the family who I last saw when I was 17, also will be visiting my father who I hadn't seen since I was 9. 

*I have a half-sister, Octavia who is 10 yrs. old. I have a lot of role modeling to catch up on!

Life is always going to be incredibly terrifying, there will always be risks, but why not make more of an effort in having a say of who we want to be, come no matter what next scary thing hits you.

Thanks for reading, listening, you have my consent to share this blog if you think it will inspire someone, also, I may or may not have youtube vlogs that will be relevant to these blog posts... so keep an eye out!

      -Raelynn.