A Trophy Father's Trophy Son

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm somewhat of a 'trophy child'. A couple of things happened today that lead me to the realization.

1. I attended a 'seminar' of sorts. My school's president came to speak with the students doing summer research and she talked about failure. She wanted us to share our stories of failure and how we learned from them. I was the only person who had never learned from a failure. I run from my problems. I've always known this about myself. If I'm not good at something I just don't do it. I know the root too.

As a child, I wasn't allowed to practice hobbies I wasn't good at. If I couldn't already play the instrument, it wouldn't be bought. If I couldn't immediately master something I was discouraged from going after it.

That pattern of behavior followed me into adulthood. I wasn't given the freedom to try new things and fail and try something else. I had one shot at something or I had to give it up forever. So, I hid my college grades. I wanted to change my major but didn't because I knew they'd try to pull me out of school all together. If I failed a class I had to pay to retake it myself. There has never been any room for failure in my family.

At least, no room for failure from me...

2. The president's topic was kind of triggering and I regressed into a depressive state, crying in bed for a while. I tried to pull myself out by journaling and listening to music. I came across A Trophy Father's Trophy Son by Sleeping With Sirens and it started to make more sense. Not only was I not allowed to fail but I also had never been praised for succeeding.

If I failed at something I was punished, shunned, or put in a corner away from the limelight. But whenever I did something right everyone carried on as normal. As if nothing had happened because it was what was 'expected' of me.

No one in my family attended my high school graduation because my cousin graduated at the same time and "everyone knew I would graduate but no one expected her to graduate". So instead of being congratulated or celebrated for my accomplishment, I was told "it was expected of me" and then everyone moved on. But when I failed to get into the school of my choice, and failed to get a scholarship that would cover my full tuition, I was berated.

And so, I've come to the realization that my family sees me as a trophy. They put me on a shelf to show off to strangers when I'm doing well and succeeding, but the moment I mess up I'm a failure. The moment I show weakness and ask for help I'm ignored for someone who's doing better, like a newer, shinier toy.

Everyone is bubbling with excitement because I'm supposed to graduate college next spring but none of the people who have been bragging about me ever helped me. I worked full time all 4 years and struggled to feed myself because they didn't want to help me buy groceries, but they're all bragging about me almost being done with school. And what makes things even worse is that I failed a class for the first time. A really important class that sets me back. Now I have to find a way to pay for that class and take it outside of school so I can graduate in time. Because if I don't, I'll be made into a failure again.

The problem, now that I know all this, is trying to figure out what to do next. I obviously can't cut my family off. I still need them for some things. But I don't want to be a trophy child anymore.

if this blog triggered you in any way please reach out to someone <3

if you can relate, I make playlists sometimes

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1DVCqxryrS2TKB3WQT2ou8?si=fb43e9f80fc24059&pt=992ce169b29f0ab6cb2544372b3028e7

Anyways, bye for now

-J