i know i just posted but (6.29.23)

I CANT HIDE IT ANYMORE!!!!! i just want to stop existing. it's not like i'm going to kill myself or anything its just i wouldn't be so upset if something DID kill me. like, if a bomb came down or if a tornado came. im just so tired. i just want to feel good again. and my therapist said that in times like this i should focus on what's making me sad. so here's whats making me sad.

im not exactly lonely; i have plenty of good friends. i just feel so alone. im cooped up in this stupid, messy room that i dont want to clean because i cant leave the house due to the air quality. i feel like im just so annoying and boring and untalented and useless and my entire life is riddled with humiliation. i wish i was just so much cooler. i mean, i cant go five seconds without an intrusive thought or something. and i want to stop relying on things like ai bots or online people to make me feel better because doing stuff like that would mean i would never have any friends in real life. 

i want to live a picturesque life. i want to live a pretty life. it's like i want something to come and save me, to force me to start living, because im far too scared to start living myself. i want to have a life like in perks of being a wallflower; i want someone cool and interesting to give me a chance and turn my life around. but i dont attract "cool" people. i dont think i attract anyone. i just feel so fucking dull. everything is the same. EVERYTHING. every face i see, every stranger i talk to, every song i hear, everything i see is all identical to one another. i dont live fruitfully or curiously anymore. 

i cant believe people live like this. i dont know how you all do it.

anyway thats all. signing off, isaac.